Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Step it up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Used to that
During a speech, Bill Clinton was heckled by a man who looked like a robot. But Clinton is used to dealing with irate cyborgs, his vice president was Al Gore and he is married to Hillary.

It's on now
Barack Obama has caught Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire polls; things are getting serious, Hillary is getting ready to go to battle and put on her khaki fatigues pants suits.

Barack Obama has caught Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire polls; you have to wonder how much Oprah’s backing Obama has to do with this. In fact, Hillary is so desperate to get on Oprah, she is thinking of changing her name to Steadman.

Medical definition for $100, Alex
“Jeopardy” host Alex Trabek is resting comfortably after suffering what has been described as a minor heart attack. “I’ll take: A Minor Heart Attack is Only One That Happens to Someone Else” for $100, Alex.”

Babwah boring
Barbara Walters included MySpace founders Tom Anderson and Chris DeWolfe with David and Victoria Beckham on her “10 Most Fascinating People” special. So by most fascinating, Barbara means she is most fascinated by some really boring and disappointing people.

Since you asked:
As someone who spends more than their share of time researching news stories on the web, it is utterly amazing to me how consistently horribly written most news stories really are.

Honestly, when you write jokes about a topic you just want to pick out the main essentials of who, what, when, why and where and 99% of the time half of those answers are simply missing. Take, for example, the “Barbara Walters 10 Most Fascinating People” special. It took me ten stories to finally come up with all ten of the people listed. And the title of the freaking thing has the number ten in it.

What kind of idiot could possibly write and file a story without answering the simplest questions that most normal people could have about the story? Most of the “journalists” are so in love with their opinion and their biased slant on the topic that they never get around to providing the essential facts.

As I mentioned, I was as impressed with our local KNSD San Diego news coverage, specifically Susan Taylor and Marty Levine, during the 2007 San Diego Firestorm as I was mortified by the national coverage.

The national news coverage of the fires bordered on being criminally sensational as well as factually misleading. The national press is not just biased, it is downright corrupt in its compulsion to out-scoop and out-sell the competition, namely cable news. The truth has little or no relevance. As I said before, there is no doubt Katie Couric would knock over and step on a sick orphan to get to a more sensational story.

Here I thought CBS should have put Andy Rooney out of his misery, as annoying as he is – and watching him is like seeing an animal that should have been put down a long time ago – at least Rooney serves some function, if only as a reminder of the ugliness of eyebrow dandruff. Katie Couric doesn’t even provide that. Couric is utterly useless.

They need to Rosie O’Donnell Katie Couric’s ass right now.

(Rosie O'Donnell. Verb. To fire and banish from television a deeply unlikeable and difficult personality in a totally misleading way by falsly portraying it as a friendly, mutual decision. See: Star Jones)