Friday, July 21, 2006

It is hard out here

Keepin’ it real to the deal, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
It is so hot female teachers are sleeping with high school boys just to get tossed in the cooler.

It is so hot, old lawyers are going quail hunting with Dick Cheney just for the breeze created from the passing bird shot.

It is so hot, travelers are booking passage on the Crown Princess just so they can be frozen with terror when it tilts over.

It is so hot Star Jones returned to the set of “The View” just for the icy stares.

It is so hot I am sweating like the Cinnabon clerk at the Beirut airport.

Way to the right
A cruise ship leaving Florida had a steering mishap and listed way over to one side injuring some passengers. In fact, the ship leaned so far to the right they renamed it the USS Ann Coulter.

Proper Placement
US Airways will begin selling advertising on its airsickness bags in September. Finally, the perfect spot to promote Madonna’s next movie.

Makes sense
Rumor has it Al Reynolds is looking to divorce Star Jones. Apparently Al wants to start not sleeping with other women.

How rude
Have you seen the video of President Bush rubbing the shoulders of repulsed German chancellor Angela Merkel? First the swearing now the unwanted advances, who does Bush think he is, “Insider” host Pat O’Brien?

Or as Bush calls it, he gave Merkel the ol’ Condeleeza.

First the swearing now the unwanted advance, apparently liberal conspiracy theorists are right, Bush is being advised by “Fox News” Bill O’Reilly.

Let’s hug it out
Have you seen the HBO hit “Entourage”? It’s great but the lead character, Vince, is getting on my nerves. He turns down $12 million blockbuster sequel because a producer lied to him? In the real Hollywood an actor would let a producer sell his sister into slavery for a two second crowd shot.

President Potty Mouth
After his caught-on-tape-swearing incident at the G-8 conference, President Bush is trying to behave, but he just doesn’t get it. When briefed about Shiite militants, Bush corrected aide and said; “From now on we call the Shiite Militants: the Doody militants.”

After his caught-on-tape-swearing incident at the G-8 conference, President Bush is trying to clean up his act. For example, from now the Vice President is called Richard Cheney.

The first lady, Laura Bush, made the President throw out all of his old “Dick Cheney’s Lesbian Daughter Loves Bush” campaign buttons.

There is now a standing White House rule against all fart jokes that end with the Russian President’s name Putin.

Since you asked:
This week’s Rick Reilly’s “Life of Reilly” “Sports Illustrated” column “With this Ring I Bust Thy Chops” delves into the sports pal’s new high tech needle: The one ring. When your buddy’s team messes up, you dial him and hang up after one ring to let him know you know that he knows his team just blew it somehow. It started at Bates College in Maine as a way to tease your friend without racking up long distance charges. You can get creative and send an e-mail text message with one words: One Ring.

As a Chicago Cubs and Chicago Bears fan, if this one-ring concept catches on with my pals, my office is going to sound like St. Mary’s Cathedral on Christmas morning.