Tuesday, July 18, 2006

It is hard out here

Oh snap, it all of that, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Change of plans
At the G-8 conference, a live mike picked up President Bush saying a dirty word. As a result, the G-8 conference is now the P.G.-17 conference.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
The violence continues in Beirut. It was a little awkward, when they asked President Bush what he thought of Beirut, he said; “He hit home runs without steroids.”

Hate to hear that
Chairman of Hooters restaurants, Robert Brooks, died at 69; by the way, 69 wasn’t just his age, it was the position that killed him.

To honor Brooks, Hooters customers are wearing their pants at half mast.

Brooks’s memorial service will be held from 4-7 with five dollar pitchers and two-for one chicken wings.

In honor of Brooks’s passing, this whole week black is the color of the panties the Hooters girls aren’t wearing.

Friends don’t let friends drink Coors
Coors beer baron Peter Coors had his driver’s license revoked for drunk driving. Coors claims he only had one beer. How do you get drunk on one beer? Drink Coors all your life and then try any other kind of beer.

This explains Coors last commercial where he urged people to drink responsibulbully.

Coors had his license revoked not for being drunk but for choosing to drink Coors.

Not going to do any time
The rumor is Barry “Bail” Bonds is to be indicted for perjury and tax-evasion. Experts think Bonds will avoid jail time. Not because he is innocent, Bonds’s head won’t fit through the cell door.

Nice job, Einstein
Old letters reveal that Albert Einstein had two wives and ten mistresses. With all those affairs, Einstein had no choice but to discover the theory of relativity. “I’m not home late, sweetheart, time is relative.”

Back to the old method
Congress is going to try and get rid of online gambling; from now on if somebody wants to blow a lot of money, they’ll have to it the old fashioned way: bribing a congressman.

It got ugly
Producers of “The View” say that the cast and crew is a lot more relaxed now that Star Jones has left. Especially in the morning when the pastries are delivered.

How many balls?
The Chicago Cubs were shelled for 11 runs in the sixth inning of their 13-7 loss to the New York Mets. At one point the Cubs had more balls coming at them than Paris Hilton during Fleet Week.

Dirty word
At the G-8 conference, a live mike picked up President Bush saying a dirty word. When asked to comment, Bush denied it saying; “I never once said the word Hillary.”

Much nicer
In an interview in her magazine, “O” Oprah Winfrey declared that she and her best friend, Gayle King, are not gay; they prefer the term: heterosexually challenged.

Thank heaven
Sure, we’re embroiled in a global warming induced heat wave, gas prices are through the roof, and the Mid East is in turmoil, but let’s not overlook what really matters. Jennifer Aniston said she would do a “Friends” reunion special. Finally, our problems are solved.

Since you asked:

It is hot. So, I’ve been putting ice cubes in the dogs, Wrigley and Kasey, water dish. Kasey just sniffs at them. Wrigley chews them. He loves them. So I guess that means he is sexually frustrated, but you would be sexually frustrated if your boys had been in a vets jar for three years.

So we had a soccer tournament this weekend. Not to brag, but my daughter, AC, scored six goals in four games and she spent most of her time playing defense at sweeper.

So we were between games on Sunday and if there is one thing the Decathlon teaches you it is that staying on your feet too long kills the power and speed in your legs. So in between games, I told Ann Caroline to watch a Disney movie and that she needs to stay off of her feet.

So I go to take a shower. No towel.

“Hey, Ann Caroline, run and get me a towel from the cabinet.”

“Sorry, Dad, I have to stay off of my feet.”