It is hard out here

It is hotter than a fashizzy my brizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How bad is it?
Beirut International Airport remains closed after Israeli jets bombed it; to show how bad it was, this was the first time in aviation history that the airport was more bombed than the pilots.

Hot
It is hot. I am sweating like I just told French soccer star Zinedine Zidane a “yo mama” joke.

Who knew?
Scientists say that they have discovered a mastodon fossil in Michigan. That’s not the most amazing part; the mastodon was being ridden by Jimmy Hoffa.

Not good
The rumor is Barry Bonds is to be indicted on perjury and tax-evasion charges. I don’t want to imply this has been a nightmare season for Bonds but it’s almost as bad as the night Bonds woke up in a cold sweat dreaming he was back with the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Crime wave
Washington, D.C. Police Chief Charles Ramsey declared a crime emergency in that city. It’s so bad Patrick Kennedy crashed his car to avoid a carjacking.

Left out one thing
My daughter just finished the American star Julie Foudy’s girl’s soccer camp. It was great, but we were a tad disappointed. They didn’t coach them how to head-butt a foul-mouthed Italian.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush is in Europe for the G-8 conference. Still, I am not sure he gets it. When they asked President Bush what he thought about the G-8, Bush said he prefers Chevy’s to Fords.

Clever guy
Newly discovered letters reveal Albert Einstein had ten mistresses and two wives. No wonder Einstein invented the theory of relativity. “No honey, you just think I’m home late, time is relative.”