Thursday, June 02, 2005

Say what? You want me to bring it? You got it and it's coming about Now O'Clock, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

No excuse whatsoever
Did you hear about that insulting, repulsive and disgusting video by the San Francisco Forty Niners? But enough about their 2004 season game films, their P.R. guy made an ill-conceived, tacky video.

My boys are getting older
The Eagles “Farewell 1” tour was on NBC last night. I love the Eagles but they are getting up there in age; “Take it Easy” isn’t just their hit song, it’s their geriatric doctor’s orders.

There are now three generations of Eagles fans. There are new, young fans, middle-aged fans and slightly older fans that can remember when, to hear an Eagles album, you had to use one of those Flintstone Bird-beak record players on a record made of rock.

When told that the Eagles used to put out albums on records, one college student asked;

“Really? What kind of record? A national record or a world record?”

The Eagles “Farewell 1” tour was on NBC last night. I love the Eagles but they are getting up there in age; now before the Eagles can play “Best of My Love” they have to take Viagra.

The Eagles are getting older so they had to update some of their hits. For example, “Tequila Sunrise” is now called “Metamucil Sunrise.”

Their song “Already Gone” is about their backs.

Oui? Non. Non? Oui.
If French President Jacques Chirac wanted the European constitution to pass in France he should have told the French that the U.S. didn’t want it. How much do the French hate Americans? The French would vote to take a bath if Americans told them not to, that’s how much they hate us.

Since you askededededededed:
For the public record, as a comedian writer, I was appalled by the insensitivity and crassness of the San Francisco Forty Niner media video.

Oh, that reminds me. Did you hear the one about the white Forty Niner P.R. guy who thought he was a comedian? Turns out he can’t dance to save his life either.

Hey, Pal, Kirk Reynolds, let’s make a deal, we here at A.l.B.b. won’t try and promote the San Francisco Forty Niners and you shouldn’t try to make comedy pieces. Capice?

We can only hope and pray at this point that there isn’t rioting and death in the streets over the Forty Niner video as there was with the “Newsweek” Koran-desecrations flap.

Since you asked;

As my beloved Cubbies are in town, I am reminded of a scene that happened last year and I want your opinion on it.

First of all, most Padres fans are great. But there I am walking into a popular eatery near Petco Park when a beered-up Padre fan spots my Cubs hat and yells;

“Hey, you like the Cubs so much why don’t you move to Chicago?”

To which I replied;

“Because this is a free country, otherwise you would be forced to go move to the town of Drunk Morons.”

My question is, too harsh?

Since you asked again:

So I’m not politically correct. If that makes me a bad person then, great, I’m a bad person. One less thing to worry about. My belief is that honesty and words are valuable and anything that restricts either, I’m against. That and political correctness has ruined some potentially great jokes.

So it is knowing that I am not politically correct when I say I think this entire trophy for participating crap is, although well intended, sending our entire overly-entitled society into a tail-spin from which it cannot recover.

My six-year-old daughter was in the Gold Medal reading program. She was proud, as was I, when she qualified for her gold medal. Then I am informed that I am to attend the Gold Medal ceremony at her school. This does not please me. Though I am exceedingly proud of my daughter and want to show my support, events at her school tend to be long, boring and hot and stuffy. Four things I don’t do well.

What the heck, I figure. Since probably not many kids got their Gold Medal it shouldn’t be too bad.

Do you want to guess how many of her school’s 512 kids got a gold medal? 500. And I know there are more than 12 kids that don’t speak English. Why not save time and trouble and just have a ceremony chastising the 12 kids who didn’t get a medal?

One kid in particular got a Gold Medal. This kid, well, I would not bet a dime that he could even hold a book correctly let alone read one.

One day this kid was at the local kiddy pool. He was standing in water only a few inches deep, just enough to get his feet wet. He gets it in his mind he wants to dive in it. Before anyone can get up to stop him, he leaps up in the air to do a cannon ball. As he basically just landed butt first on hard cement, it caused him great pain and he naturally started to cry.

He was fine and his Dad comforted him. Just when I was thinking this may have been the stupidest act I’ve ever seen any kid try – and this is coming from a guy who, when a kid, let a car tire roll over his foot. Luckily Mom wasn’t into car maintenance and the tire was soft – when, low and behold, no sooner then we were all back in our seats, the kid DID IT AGAIN.

And he won a Gold Medal in reading.