Monday, January 22, 2018

“I Can’t Tell You Why,” the Eagles have never won a Super Bowl, but if they “Take it Easy” against the Patriots, their game will be nothing but “Wasted Time” and they’ll be “Already Gone” by halftime. They have to “Take it to the Limit,” “In the City,” of Minneapolis to avoid a “Heartache Tonight” on game day.

Sunday was the SAG Awards given by actors to actors for acting with the award itself called The Actor. Here’s my question: Why is there no award for the best acceptance of The Actor award by an actor? 

If these clowns were any farther up their own asses they would be proctologists.

Further Proof That Google And Hypochondria Are a Match Made In Hell

A while ago, I was certain I had something serious. Just as certain as I was it had nothing to do with consuming a fair share of cheap wine the night before. 

So I started Googling my symptoms and what I found was alarming to say the least.

It was as if whoever made this list of symptoms had just given me a thorough exam: dry mouth, tired eyes, stiff neck, sore back, sweaty forehead, bloated stomach, cracking, stiff joints, heartburn, afternoon diarrhea, inability to concentrate.

Oh my word. 

This is it, whatever it is. I felt so bad for my wife and daughter because I was worried they would think they gave it to me, whatever it is, by constantly being so mean to me. Either way, we would face it, whatever it is, together. Maybe by dealing with it together, whatever it is, through tragic irony, it will bring us closer. 

So I somehow mustered the courage to look down the list of these symptoms to see what caused them:

The third trimester of pregnancy.