Friday, June 29, 2018

You best start pooping me Tiffany cufflinks or I will have you standing tall before the man. Do you read me? Outstanding, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study claims dolphins are far closer to humans in intelligence than previously thought. They cited the fact that not one dolphin has ever been reported watching one episode of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

Tampa Bay's Jameis Winston has been suspended for three games for grabbing an Uber driver's vagina. "So much for what Trump says we stars can do," said Winston.

Kim Jong Un had an army officer shot after he ordered extra food for his men. "Oh, man, how come he gets to do all the cool stuff?"Asked Donald Trump.

Oregon State beat Arkansas to win the College World Series. Donald Trump is proud of how the Beavers grabbed the win.

In a speech mocking Mark Sanford, Donald Trump referred to the Appalachian Trail as the Tallahassee Trail. When told Trump said, 

"12 to one six dozen to another."

Tampa Bay QB, Jameis Winston, has been suspended three games for sexual assault. And if history shows us anything it is that giving a 24-year-old millionaire three weeks paid vacation corrects poor behavior.

Donald Trump declined to comment to reporters on the shot reporters. They did not use the magic words to get Trump to respond: Jimmy Fallon.

Oregon State beat Arkansas to win the College World Series.  Have not seen this many  happy Beavers since the Kardashians held their family reunion at a Viagra factory.

Since you asked:

Russia Hates The United States

Like I suspect many Americans are, I am fascinated by Russians. 

When I was young, I loved the movie “The Russians Are Coming.” It was a hilarious take on the cold war set in a quaint New England town in 1965. A Russian submarine captain, eager for a glimpse of America, grounds his sub on a sandbar. It starred Alan Arkin and Rob Reiner and was sweet and delivered a great message for peace without being heavy-handed. 

Arkin, as the Russian second-in-command, says to Reiner, after nearly dying in a car crash after Reiner shoots at him with a machine gun,

“Always I am saying goodbye to you and always I am seeing you again.” 

At the same time, my love for the Decathlon was endless. I read about the story of Rafer Johnson battling then-world-record holder Vasili Kuznetsov of the Soviet Union in a US-USSR dual Decathlon meet. Rafer won and set the world record, but the Russian Kuznetsov admired Johnson to no end. The picture of Kuznetsov giving Johnson a kiss on Rafer’s handsome, chiseled cheek made “Time” magazine and helped cause a break in the ice of the cold war. As well as race relations. 

My grandmother went to Russia with my cousin Billy in 1968 and they loved it. Nobody went to Russia in 1968. The Russians assumed they were spies and followed them everywhere. But they were wonderful hosts to them. My grandmother talked about how wonderful the Russian people were until she passed.

Russians seemed so eerily similar to us. Asia and Africa are so wonderfully exotic and contrasting. But Russia looked like it could have been the US if history unfolded differently.

There are two reasons, in my (cough) expert military opinion, that Hitler lost the war. One, he underestimated Russia due to his racism, and two, he underestimated the US because of his racism. (How great is it that the cause of Hitler’s defeat was due to his racism?) 

Here is an amazing statistic: 80% of Russian males born in 1923 died in World War II. 

That should give you a glimpse of the difference between the cost of Hitler to the Russians versus the US. Russia will never forgive the US for entering the war, in their view, and in many Britain’s view, so late. 

The hatred between the US troops and Russian troops in WWII was captured in the movie “Patton.” When the war was just over, Patton pleaded to an aid to Eisenhower to let him attack the Russians while he had the troops to do it.   

The rumors of Russian rapes and other atrocities on their march to Berlin turned out to be true. The crude nickname “Russian Mother-humpers” was born.

Russia was communist. The USA  was the poster child of why communism sucked. The top politicians of communism were rich from ripping off the poor, so they hated Americans for challenging the foundation of their livelihood. They knew their system and their way of life was doomed. 

The Russian communist leaders were just like the Czar and the Russian elite, except they were far more clever in hiding how they were screwing the poor.

So when the inevitable happened and the Iron Curtain crumbled and communism fell in Russia, we in the US thought all was forgiven.

The US hated communism. Once communism fell, we had no hatred for Russians. What we did not understand is Russia’s hatred of the US extended far beyond communism. 

Nothing was forgiven in Russia. 

Russia hates the United States. Russia knows we backed Afghanistan when they invaded like we know they backed the North Vietnamese when we supported the South Vietnamese. (Russia would say we invaded) 

Vladimir Putin was the head of the Russian version of the CIA, the KGB. To say the KGB is like the CIA is to say Turkish prison rapes are like a prom date. 

Putin, when the head of the KGB, is credited for ending terrorist attacks in Russia. How? Once he captured the culprit in a terrorist attack, he would deliver the body to the sleeper-cell headquarters with his testicles sewn in his mouth. 

Everyone who is alive in Russia over the age of 40 was hammered with the propaganda that the US was the epitome of evil. While we thought all sins between the US and communism fell down with that ugly wall, nothing changed for East Germans and Russians.  

We were and still are Russia's enemy.

Let Them Eat the Darkest Chocolate Cake You've Ever Seen. 

Something in my gut tells me that Donald Trump's impressive Mr. Magoo act of blindly avoiding catastrophe is about to run out. 

And it will come in the form of a Billy Bush-like bus video. 

Whether a covert video by a staffer on an iPhone or an outtake on "The Apprentice," there is something out there that will show, once and for all, how much Donald Trump holds everyone else besides himself in complete and utter contempt.

Is Trump a racist? Sure, but he hates poor white people almost just as much as minorities. Is Trump a sexist? No doubt. But he also sees anyone with a penis as his sworn enemy. 

Trump can barely pretend to be nice to his wife, Melania, his son, Eric or his daughter Tiffany. Trump hates everyone, but he particularly does not like the great unwashed, which, in his mind, is anyone who is not rich. 

And when Trump's die-hard, blue-collar supporters find out just how much Trump despises them, they will turn on him in such a manner that will make Mussolini hanging from a meat hook look like a celebrity roast on "Comedy Central."  

Hell hath no fury like the gloriously unpretentious, hard-working and down-to-earth folks discovering a lazy, fat, effete, gold-toilet snob looks down on them.

History has shown us that in two words: Marie Antoinette. 

Ten Reasons why American sports fans will never fully become soccer fans.

1-5 Flopping. Jack Youngblood once played through the entire playoffs and a Super Bowl with a broken leg. How these clowns have to be put on a stretcher and then sprint back on the field is nothing less than embarrassing as a man.

6. The name. We cannot agree on what the sport is called. That is a fundamental problem. It will never be football in the US and it will never be soccer anywhere else.

7. While the World Cup is pretty straightforward, the rest of soccer is utterly confusing to Americans. England alone has three championships. Teams are demoted and other teams come up. Some teams are named for clubs, others for cities. All of the teams have sponsors on the front of their jerseys, not their name. Players are borrowed. They have “Friendlies.”  

8. Offsides. This is a rule that is not possible to comprehend, unfortunately, that includes the refs. All refs have their own version of offsides and a handball. We get you don’t want players hanging out in front of the net, but why penalize a player for out-running the defense?

9. The refs. The refs truly suck. And they are control freak egomaniacs who all interpret the rules independently. What one considers a handball another considers an accident. 

10. Soccer is just too Europeanie. Which rhymes with weenie. Too many ques instead of lines. Funky outlets. Kissing on the cheek. Using U in color. Keeping the fork in the left hand. Wine at each meal. (OK, that part is fine) Red slashes for stop signs. Ambulances that make that two-note horn-honking noise. You got the idea.