Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Could have sworn I saw a sweet little Kasey ghost last night, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Alanis Morissette had over $2 mil. in jewelry stolen from her Bel Air home. This just after finding out her manager stole $5 mil. Man, you thought her songs were bitter before?

Oakland Raider Aldon Smith is under investigation for a “domestic incident.” And I’m guessing that domestic incident isn’t missing his turn doing the dishes.

Derek Jeter and his supermodel wife, Hannah, are expecting a girl. They don’t have a name for a girl. If it was a boy they were going to call him either Derek Jr. or Lucky-Dude Magoo. 

(Why is it the guys who were the biggest womanizer-hounds always have girls? Why? God doth haveth a sense of humor)

Khloe Kardashian was on “Ellen” complaining about how she has to work-out harder than Kim. For those moved by this tragedy, please log on and donate to “WWW. Dear Khloe, Shut The Hell Up.”

There is an orange alligator in South Carolina and people are calling it the Trumpgator. Much better than the other name, a Crockadonald. 

One of the most popular gifts purchased this Valentine’s Day are gym memberships. And the most popular response to getting a gym membership is making the idiot sleep on the couch. 

The second most popular gift is the gift given with the apology for giving a gym membership.

Donald Trump met with Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. Trudeau looks like a soap opera leading man, Trump looks like the Dubuque, Iowa Life Insurance salesman of the month. 

In South Carolina, they have discovered an orange alligator. So that is where Snookie crawled off to. 

Stents too masked:

If there was such a job as Head of Public Relations for Celebrities, and it was mine? Most of my time would be spent trying to instruct these limousine- to-Prius hypocrites to stop being such goddamned whining crybabies. 

Again, this is not about politics. This about our national epidemic of entitlement shot into the stratosphere due to money, success and fame.

Back to politics a little, didn’t they learn from the train wreck that was the election that a huge chunk of America really doesn’t give a flying weasel poop what Scott Baio, Gwyneth Paltrow, Toby Keith, Rosie O’Donnell, Kristen Stewart, Matthew McConaughey, Joy Behar, Clint Eastwood, Ben and the impossibly even more douchey Casey Affleck, think? 

Do not get me wrong, the people who are marching are righteous. Good on yah. However, the Celebutantes in $10,000 donated dresses sniveling at awards shows are nauseating. (Not, you Meryl Streep, you are awesome as always) 

Those out-of-touch rich hypocrites, like Leonardo DiCaprio, who fly a private jet to a global warming conference have to take a huge bite of shut-the-f*ck-up pie. They are not helping their cause, they are making it worse. 

You think celebrities have any idea what is going on outside their hot yoga selfish world? The great Johnny Depp had absolutely no idea he was marrying a rapacious, gold-digging swamp sow in Amber Heard. 

It is reminiscent of the time Ben Affleck angrily castigated Bill Maher for being a racist for accusing ISIS of being Muslim. It instantly became painfully and hilariously obvious Ben Affleck had no idea what ISIS was. 

And Affleck has an Oscar for writing a screenplay. (Yes, it is well known the great screenwriter William Goldman actually wrote "Good Will Hunting," but Affleck and Damon have the Oscars)

And this goes double for that putrid a-hole Scott Baio.  Chachi, baby, Nordstrom could not give a teal sweater vest what your not-relevant-since-1985 moldy ass thinks. 


"Shoot, I have no idea why that job interview I just did went so bad," he said while wearing his "Tea Leoni Gives Me A Bony" t-shirt.

No lie, while I was brushing my teeth before going to bed, I saw the unmistakable golden honey coat of Kasey, our first labrador, coming towards me out of the corner of my eye. Miss you, Kasey-bear. You too, Wrigley, our second lab, hound-doggy. Bet Mom and Dad are fussing over you both something fierce somewhere. John? Not so much.