Saturday, June 11, 2016

When on fleek is what you seek, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Roseanne Barr has endorsed Donald Trump. That is utterly amazing. Roseanne Barr is still alive? 

There is a dating site for Trump supporters called Because sometimes wanting to screw the country just isn’t enough. 

Tiny hands accepted. 

Details are emerging about Trump University. Did you know you could Major in Douche Baggery with a minor in A-Holery?  

Ann Coulter wrote an essay defending Donald Trump against racism. That’s like Bernie Madoff defending Charles Ponzi of the Ponzi scheme.  

A 48-year-old Bronx hospital worker was found dead at work of a heart attack while masturbating. Getting devoured by wolves is now officially the second worst to die. 

Southern Cal had an earthquake Thursday night. It was pretty strong, people were shaking like someone trying to get a job with a degree from Trump University. 

A 48-year-old Bronx hospital worker was found dead at work after having a heart attack while masturbating. Funeral services will be on Sunday provided they can get the casket lid shut by then. 

“Forbes” has ranked Hillary Clinton the second most powerful woman behind Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany. “Did they even look at my resume?” Asked Caitlyn Jenner. 

Imprisoned former Subway spokesperson, Jared Fogel’s appeal of his child sex sentence was rejected. This was also the first time the word appeal and Jared Fogel have appeared together. 

NBC News reports there were over 200 liens against Donald Trump for unpaid construction jobs. Turns out Trump put the lie in lien. 

Donald Trump told the Christian right he is their guy. Which is suspicious because, based on all the money Trump owes laborers, he would have stiffed Jesus for his carpentry work. 

Since you asked:

Went to my daughter’s Torrey Pines High School graduation and it was wonderful. Beautiful day. Well organized ceremony. Not too long. Great speeches. Good music. Saw great friends. I was so proud of my wonderful daughter, Ann Caroline, I could have exploded. 

That’s the good news.

A while ago I went to a Jack Johnson concert - he was beyond fantastic - and I was in the older category of that much-younger demographic. Here is my question: 

When did people become so god damn awful? 

Talking loudly during the concert and ceremony. Standing up and blocking everyone’s view behind them while recording it with their iPad or iPhone. Wandering in late. 

When I got dressed for graduation, I was worried I would be underdressed. (And believe me, I am not known for my sartorial splendor) But I wore a nice dress shirt, good blue jeans, dress shoes and a jacket. Thought about wearing a tie, but only for a split second. 

Good thing.

If I had worn a tie I would have been the only one of about four men who did and the only one under the age of 65.  (One guy wore a suit and that is because he came from his law office) Most men had nice shirts and dress pants, but the apparel for way too many guys was t-shirts, shorts and sandals. (As usual, the women looked much, much better than the men) 

People put out towels on the stadium seats to reserve dozens of seats for people who shamelessly wandered in ten minutes late. 

At a distance, I was watching in high amusement a young man and woman who were standing right in the middle of narrow walkway at the top of the stadium many people were trying to walk through. They looked genuinely annoyed each time someone asked them to move so they could pass by. They took obliviousness to a new level. 

To my right, there were two high school girls fully versed in the old school of Valley-girl/moron-speak who yammered loudly the entire ceremony. People repeatedly asked them to be quiet - not me, I knew there was no hope to shut them up. And I did not want to be “that angry guy” during my daughter’s graduation - but they just kept talking. 

These two 17-year-old-ish girls truly did not care at all that the people around them were upset to the point of being angry. (Personally, I gave them dirty looks that will alter their DNA. Their children will be affected by my glaring at them if, god forbid, they have rude little spawn)

When we were driving out of the parking lot, people walking down the middle of the parking lot aisle were utterly obvious to the cars behind them waiting to pass. And then when they did see the cars, they looked genuinely put out they had to walk four feet to one side to get out of the way. 

My proudest trait is my judge of character. My greatest blessing are the people I call friends. They are amazing, I am wholly undeserving of such wonderful friends and my affection for them is deep and abiding. I love them. 

But if I don’t like someone - almost always due to their being rude and snotty - I despise them. 

This inability to suffer snots has been a problem in forced social gatherings, specifically soccer games, because I cannot hide my contempt for humorless a-holes. We had one dad of a sweet girl on my daughter's soccer team who was the single most unifying factor of all the parents on the team. Everyone hated him. He was impossible to like. (In fairness he did not like me at all either. He had no sense of humor so he could not figure out why everyone else thought I was so funny) 

My wife is/was friends with a certified crazy woman she used to work with - clearly I am not a big fan - who was married to a shifty weasel named Mike. My wife said, “Marilynn said Mike thinks you don’t like him.” All I could say was, “Mike is right.” 

Not to toot - or tout - my judgment horn, but Mike ended up having an affair, getting divorced and driving them bankrupt in legal fees in the nastiest divorce this side of Hollywood. The kind of ugly divorce where they both use their poor, emotionally scarred, messed-up, bed-wetting, tantrum-throwing, social outcast children to get back at each other. 

The plain fact is, for someone who purports to want to make people laugh and feel good for a living, I do not like most people all that much. 

Folks, you wonder who is voting for Donald Trump? It is those people who spread out blankets to reserve seats for their equally rude and tardy friends. It is the guys in shorts and sandals at a graduation, wedding or, yes, funeral. It is the people who talk loudly on their phones during concerts, grocery stores and ceremonies. Speaking of grocery stores, it is the people with 25 items in the 15 or less line. It is the people who text and drive. Park in red zones. The air-ragers who have security escort them from airplanes. The customers yelling at the Starbucks baristas. 

In short, the assholes. And they are plentiful. 

Speaking of people I do not like:

As I mentioned, Roseanne Barr has endorsed Donald Trump. The list of celebrities who endorse Trump is the official Washed-Up A-Hole list: Roseanne Barr, Sarah Palin, Caitlyn Jenner, Scott Biao, Ted Nugent, Steven Seagal, Hulk Hogan, Mike Tyson, Billy Baldwin, Gary Busey. (How is OJ Simpson not on this list?) 

Donald Trump has officially become an A-Hole magnet. 

Cue: Jack Johnson’s “Where Have the Good People Gone?”