Sunday, June 05, 2016

Ball, get out my nachos, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Denver Bronco Aqib Talib was shot in the leg at a Dallas nightclub. If I did not know better, I would swear nightclubs cause problems for NFL players.

A “TMZ” poll of over 90,000, 75% believe Amber Heard is lying about Johnny Depp. No joke, I just love these results. 

The San Jose Sharks win a game to bring the NHL finals to 2-1 for the Pittsburgh Penguins. There are some impressive beards in these NHL finals. Have not seen beards like this since Caitlyn Jenner was married. 

Muhammad Ali will be memorialized in Louisville. There is debate about the correct way to pronounce the capital of Kentucky. Is it Louie-ville or Lou-ah-vul? It's Frankfort. 

Hillary Clinton’s brother-in-law, Roger Clinton, was arrested for DUI in California, where Hillary is campaigning. Roger asked Hillary to bail him out, but she never got his email. 

Rolling Stone, Ron Wood, 68, and his wife, Sally, 38, just had twins. Mom has a lot of crying, napping, bottles and diaper changes in her future. And besides Ron, she has to take care of the twins. 

Since you asked:

Just participated in some serious eyeball guzzling of all things “The Godfather” and here is a theory you can chew on and spit out:

“The Godfather” is about the Kennedys. 

The story is far more similar to the Kennedys than it is any mafia family. Don Corleone, author Mario Puzo admits, is a composite of three mafia figures. One exported olive oil, one controlled the politicians in New York and another controlled the casinos in Las Vegas. 

But Joe Kennedy was a bootlegger who rose to incredible power with a dynamic prince of a son ready to take over who died tragically like Sonny, Joe Jr. So Joe senior's second-most-qualified son Jack, was thrust into leadership just like Michael. There was even a somewhat dim-witted son, like Fredo, in Ted Kennedy. And a wild and uncontrollable rebel daughter, like Connie, Kathleen or “Kick.” And a detached, dutiful matriarch in both Rose and Carmela . 

There is a remarkable picture of the Kennedys at their prime in Hyannis Port that is very similar to the opening of “The Godfather” at Connie’s wedding. All fit, young, athletic, gorgeous, smart, tan, rich and dressed to the nines while laughing. It is a study in the fleeting nature of the prime of a family’s life as, soon after the picture was taken, Joe Jr. and Kathleen would die in airplane crashes. And the rest of the Kennedy tragedies would unfold.  

Yes, I am a big fan of the John Oliver. His diatribes on Trump are brilliant. But when he started ragging on Budweiser for changing their name to America, I got a little pissed off. 

Yes, it is chic for hipsters to rag on Budweiser. But many great chefs, including Emeril and Bobby Flay, call for Bud specifically for cooking with beer because it is the best when cooked down. The commercials do not lie, they really do have the best hops and grains. 

And Bud is always consistent. Many have been the time when I fell in love with the taste of a local micro brewed beer only to have it become popular and have the quality plummet when it tries to keep up with demand. Budweiser has no problems with quality control dipping due to popularity. 

And who is some Brit to rag on our choice of consuming anything? Oliver is coming from a country where the best known dish was battered and fried cod served in a dirty newspaper.

And has anyone in the history on Britain ever cooked meat the way god intended? On a wood smoke grill? Do they even have grills and barbecue in Britain? No. They boil it. 

John Oliver, much love, you are one funny ass banker/parrot- looking dude. But lay off our damn beer. 

Saw “Trumbo.” (Man, does Hollywood love to pat itself on the back) First of all, amazing journey of a damn good actor, Bryan Cranston, whose career went from commercials to his breakout as the doofy dad in “Malcolm in the Middle” to “Breaking Bad” and beyond. He did a much better job of creating empathy than the real Trumbo did when I saw the documentary, “Trumbo.” 

When I saw the documentary I was in shocked awe at the lengths Trumbo went to be a supreme pain-in-the-ass. It was my opinion Trumbo joined the Communist Party because there was no such thing as the Flaming Asshole Alcoholics Party. 

This was a rich Hollywood celebrity, dining at the Brown Derby, who had a ranch with horses and a lake. Not exactly the comrade laboring in the gulag.  

The movie had to use Hollywood magic to make this guy appear even slightly empathetic. But he was a great writer who stuck to his political guns. Trumbo essentially sent himself to prison for failing to cooperate with Congress. While it may have been self-inflicted martyrdom, his almost insane gumption was impressive. 

Trumbo’s talent was matched only by his acerbic personality. As his own worst enemy he was a formidable foe, but, in the end, his talent won out. And his hard work. He wrote his ass off. 

Overall I was wildly impressed that someone could succeed at that amazing level doing everything in his power to destroy himself. 

With me just a poor schmuck trying to write little schmucky jokes in schumckville and still having a rough time of it. 

As I try to maintain political objectivity with jokes it is hard. My dislike of Hillary is hard to suppress whereas my hatred for Trump is impossible to hide. As a result, my liberal friends think I am Attila the Hun and my conservative friends think I am Trumbo.

But this is the first election in my life where I genuinely wish I could go to the polls and vote against someone rather than for someone I don’t like less. 

Donald Trump is a baboon whose orange ass is impossible to distinguish from his smug face. 

Hillary is the naked opportunist who spends decades pandering to sports fans that she is a die-hard Cubs fan because somebody told her it made her look loyal and down-to-earth. So what does she do the split second she runs for New York Senate? Hillary announces she is both a Mets and Yankee fan. Wears both hats too.

It’s not that Hillary is the next-level of hypocrite who could even do something like that, she is. The problem is Hillary has no idea why that is so repugnant. 

This is not an election. This is a nightmare.