Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Got to drop on down and give it a shimmy one-time, Jimmy-Jimmy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study found the average sex session lasts five minutes. Or as men call that five minutes: 20 minutes. 

Or as Melania Trump calls that five minutes: “Is being wery, wery too long time.” 

Donald Trump lost Wisconsin. Which is ironic because I am pretty sure that thing on Trump's head is a badger.

After a brutal Wisconsin loss, there are reports of in-fighting in the Donald Trump campaign. Or as it is called in politics: “Playing musical deck chairs on the Titanic.” 

One of the celebrities leaked in the shady off-shore financial deal called the Panama Papers is Jackie Chan. Jackie said, “We have done nothing wrong.” That or he said, “Waffle dong knotting gone.”

Amazon Prime unveiled buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull and Trojan condoms. Or as the Kardashian sisters call that: a three-course meal. 

A report claims millionaires are leaving Chicago more than any other city. Apparently if you’re smart enough to become a millionaire, you’re smart enough to read a thermometer. 

While campaigning in Wisconsin, Ted Cruz said, “I like cheese on cheese.” Sound like he’s pandering. When he was in West Virginia he said, “I like cousins on cousins.” 

KFC is undergoing a massive $185 mil. upgrade. In a related story, Chipotle ordered new kitchen sponges.

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un, has reportedly ballooned to over 300 pounds. Unfortunately, this also explains North Korea’s poodle shortage. 

Now his name is Kim Jong-Un-Fasten My Belt.  

He may have to change his name to Kim Jong-Christie. 

There was a wild season finale to “The Walking Dead.” The gang thinks they have come up against the biggest group of scary, mindless, blood-thirsty, walker-zombies they’ve ever seen. Turns out it was just a Trump rally. 

Many people are upset over the cliff-hanger season finale of “The Walking Dead.” Have not seen so many comic-book nerds this mad since they announced sex with robots is five years away. 

Charlize Theron told “GQ” magazine it is hard to be a gorgeous woman in Hollywood. “Poor thing. That must be awful,” said a US Marine on patrol in Afghanistan. 

Listening to actors whine about acting is like listening to lottery winners complain about paying taxes. 

Since you asked:

Cannot emphasis how crappy watching the season finale of AMC’s “The Walking Dead” On Demand was. Not only was the show itself weak with a half-assed and truly lame cliff-hanger, but I truly believe half of the time was commercials. Commercials they did not let you fast-forward through. It was a genuinely excruciating TV-watching experience. 

Here comes the Trump fall. Trump is nothing if not a bully. A liar, sure. But mostly he is a bully. A bully, by nature, is a coward. No matter how tough the bully. And Trump is not a tough bully. Trump is a pussy-bully. 

Are you crying? There's no crying in basketball. There's no crying.

Hate to say it, speaking of bullies, but I now despise Michael Jordan. 

Yes, I was fully a huge Michael Jordan fan, like the rest of the world, when he was with the Bulls. Then he started talking about himself in the third person. Always a warning sign. 

Then we saw him bully the refs. Then we saw him punching nice guy teammates, like Steve Kerr. Then I saw an out-take from a commercial where a stage hand throws him a pass off screen. Jordan catches the ball and became furious. “You call that a pass?" He then flung the ball at pitcher speed at the guy off camera. 

Total dick move. 

Nobody is saying Jordan is not one of the greatest athletes of all time. Easily the greatest basketball player of all time. And being insanely competitive had much to do with Jordan’s success. But that doesn't mean Jordan is even close to a good person. Look at the ugly divorce, the affairs. All the people in the NBA who hate him. 

Nobody will be able to convince me that Jordan’s father, James, wasn’t murdered because Jordan would not pay off his own father's gambling debts. 

And then the funky retirement to play baseball. Nobody will be able to convince me that wasn’t a gambling-related plea bargain with the NBA. Nobody. Ever.

Near the end of Jordan’ second NBA career, the refs were such in terror of Jordan’s retribution, Jordan was taking strolls with the ball and nobody could touch him. In my opinion, it hurt his legacy. Jordan was playing under far looser rules. 

Then he went to Washington and my conscience for disliking him was clear.

But the last nail in my Jordan coffin was hammered home when a caddy told of carrying Jordan’s clubs in sweltering heat for two rounds, over eight hours, and Jordan stiffed him. 

Not a bad tip. Zero tip. (Was told by a cocktail waitress at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas Tiger Woods and Jordan would stiff the waitresses and Charles Barkley would cover for them) 

When the caddy asked Jordan if there was something wrong with his service, Jordan said;

“You’re expecting a tip? You should be honored to have carried my bag.”

As someone who has caddied even a few times, that is truly unforgivable. 

Like Donald Trump, Michael Jordan is an asshole.