Well I stand up next to a mountain and chop it down with the edge of my hand, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Donald Trump’s grandson is going to have a Jewish bris circumcision. That will be a tricky procedure. If he’s a Trump, there’s no end to those pr*cks. 

Police in South Carolina arrested three women in bikinis who were beating up another woman. They were charged with assault, battery and stopping the fight way too soon.

Lexervations:

If there is anything more exciting than the last few minutes of a pro hockey game where the losing team has pulled the goalie, I do not know what it is.

May I ever be as good at anything as Mike “Doc” Emerick is at play-by-play on hockey. He makes a great game even better. But he makes terrible games good.

Congratulations to the Cheese Man for winning the Houston Open. Who is the Cheese Man? Do I have to spell it out? Jim Herman. Herman Munster. Muenster cheese. The Cheese Man. Sheesh.

To whoever is putting those little round stickers on fruit, especially apples and tomatoes? Take a pill, Robocop.

The Masters is coming up. I am going  with Speefers or Fow-Fow. Jordan Spieth or Ricky Fowler. 

Whenever I hear a rich guy at a golf tournament talking about how great it is to give back to the community, it makes my gonads tweak. 

Day four without coffee ends tomorrow. Around Eight AM I expect to be feeling pretty amazing. By Ten Thirty? Sleepy as all hell. 

Here is a mind-blowingly tragic fact: of all the men born in Russia in 1923, 80% died in WWII.

Will never understand offsides in hockey and soccer. Yes, I get you don’t want a guy camping out in front of the net ahead of the play. But why penalize a team for beating the defense by the length of a player? Two lengths? Yes. So many times AC got the soccer ball on-sides behind the defender, blew past them and the ref called offsides just to cover his ass.

Why are the referees in basketball and hockey so much better than the refs in soccer?