Saturday, January 23, 2016

I am starting suspect that Jared Leto and I lead vastly different lives, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Caitlyn Jenner is writing her memoir on her transition to transgender. It’s titled; “How I Learned To Nag Myself.”

The East Coast snowstorm is screwing so many people, they’re changing its name from Jonas to Cosby. 

A Muslim school in England is in trouble for teaching their students how to stone someone. Big deal? Students at the University of Colorado have been getting taught how to get stoned for years. 

Donald Trump said he could shoot somebody and he would not lose voters. And if he shot Justin Bieber, he would gain voters. 

“TMZ” reports public sentiment over Oscar boycott is turning. The word whining is used. It is harsh when we live in a world that is not as sensitive to rich movie star’s troubles as it should be. 

“American Pie” songwriter, Don McClean, arrested for domestic assault. According to the report, McClean admitted “My hands were clinched in fists of rage.” 

In a “TMZ” survey, 76%  of 70,000 polled said the Oscar boycotters were “Whiney.” That is so racist. Oh, sorry, I thought it said Whitey, not Whiney. 

It turns out officials in Flint overlooked drinking water test results. Turns out Flint Michigan’s drinking supply was dirtier than Justin Bieber’s bong water. 

New York is in a huge snowstorm. For an extra $100 bucks, the hookers in Times Square will put the carrot on your snowman. 

Since you asked:

Hollywood insists on making remakes of great movies, like “Ghostbusters” and "The In-Laws" and “Brian’s Song” and “National Lampoon Family Vacation” and they are guaranteed to suck. Even if they are as good as the original - which they are not - they would still suck by comparison.

Remake horrible movies that should have been great movies. And the first horrible movie they should remake? Dan Jenkins’s classic football novel, “Semi-Tough.” 

Burt Reynolds’s ego destroyed the first attempt. Make the movie exactly like the book and it will be money, money, money. Go out and buy the rights to the novel. Doubt that would cost more than $25,000. (This is Hollywood money, remember?) 

The cast? Easy. Bradley Cooper as Billy Clyde Puckett, Jennifer Lawrence as Barbara Jane Bookman and Owen Wilson as Marvin “Shake” Tiller. 

Do I have to think of everything, Hollywood?