Escaped Mexican drug lord, El Chapo, says $100 million for the capture of Donald Trump, dead or alive. Asked to comment, Hillary Clinton said; “I’m not sure I can afford $100 million. Will he take a check?”

 “USA Today” reports republicans make twice as many grammatical mistakes in speeches as democrats. Asked to comment, Donald Trump said; “I’m so rich, I pay people to grammatical for me.”

A study of the candidate’s Facebook fans found that Donald Trump’s fans have the worst grammar. Which explains why they think Trump is leading in all the pools.

General Mills recalled two million boxes of Gluten-Free Cheerios because they contained gluten. And you don’t want to know what their Asbestos-free Cheerios contained.

Anthropologists have released more information on a recently discovered extinct human species. They lived in trees, they had brains the size of oranges and they thought their Eagles could come back after starting 1-3.  

“Wheel of Fortune” host, Pat Sajak, makes $12 million a year. “I’m going to solve the puzzle, Pat; “Here is the empirical proof there is no justice in the universe.”

During the Chicago Cubs 4-0 defeat of Pittsburgh, benched Pirate first baseman, Sean Rodriguez, was seen punching-out the dugout Gatorade coolers. That is, without a doubt, the hardest I have ever seen a guy in long, luxuriant flowing black locks and a sassy black scarf, punch a water cooler.

Lexervations :

At the start of the season, if you would have told me the Chicago Cubs will do better this year than the Pirates, I would have said you were nuts. Anyone but Joe Maddon who says they said different is nuts. Not going to lie, I want the Cubs to beat those vile and evil blood birds, however, I truly feel the rest of the post-season is gravy.

As for the UConn jalapeno mac and cheese a-hole. Four of the biggest a-holes I have ever known - two I worked with, one in New York and one in San Diego - all four of the biggest a-holes I have ever known were all extremely obnoxious UConn alumni. (Even worse than – gulp – USC alumni) No lie, the only four UConn graduates I know are mega, mega a-holes. That cannot be a coincidence.

Howard Stern is not just a jerk. He is a jerk who claims he is just acting like a jerk for his on-air personality, but he is really a great guy. When in reality, he really is a huge jerk. Which makes him as big a hypocrite as those other jerks who claim the same thing: Dice Clay, Rosie O’Donnell, Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump.

There are two kinds of sports parents. There are those who see the video of the little football players doing the whip and the nae-nae and loved it, and those who wish the kids would quit screwing around and play football. When my daughter played soccer, before the game, I would hold my iPod speaker and they would dance to “What I Like About You.” The girls loved it. Most of the parents liked it. Some of the parents and all of her coaches HATED it. We are still good friends of many of the AC’s soccer parents. The ones we are not friends with I now see were a-holes.

Hillary putting the Yank in Yankees

All anyone will ever need to know about Hillary Clinton, politics aside, is this: when she found out being labeled a Cubs fan made her seem likeable and loyal to voters, she hammered the fact she was a lifelong, diehard, true-blue Cubs fan down our collective throats ad nauseam.

What was the first thing Hillary did when she ran for Senate in New York? She announced she was a Mets and Yankee fan.