A man in Denver received $900 in Botox and ran out of the medical office without paying. Witnesses said the man looked ecstatic. Or angry. Or scared, or sad, they couldn’t tell.

A man in Canada has pled guilty to trespassing, doing the laundry, dishes, feeding the cat and writing in the homeowner’s diary. Even the burglars in Canada are polite.

Donald Trump said the Oregon shooting is not a gun problem, it is a mental health problem. And then the thing on Trump’s head started foaming at the mouth.

Here are four of my 25 birthday card submissions:

Outside: Happy Birthday. No matter how old you are today . . .

Inside:  . . . next year, you’ll wish you were this age, you ungrateful bastard.

Outside: Happy Birthday. This year you are better looking, smarter and sexier.

Inside: Wow, I guess people do get more gullible as they get older.

Outside: May you receive the best birthday present of all: the gift of giving a random kindness.

Inside: But a Ferrari would be pretty bitchin’ too.

Outside: Happy Birthday. They say even politicians, ugly buildings and whores get respectable with age.

Inside: Mark my words, one day we will be saying Keith Richards looks good for his age.

Since you asked: 

What I know I know I know. (And some things I don’t)

Granted, I am not an expert on the movie bidness. But how in the hell is it possible for Paul Walker, who died in 2013, to keep showing up in “The Fast and The Furious” movies?

Members on my underrated list? As great as they were, Paul Newman, Stones guitarist, Mick Taylor and Minnesota Vikings running back, Chuck Foreman. (He was Marshall Faulk before there was Marshall Faulk)

Members of my overrated list? (Before anyone gets their drawers in a twist, these are still great folks, just, in my mind, overrated) John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Muhammad Ali and John F. Kennedy. Most overrated band of all time? Kiss.

Believe me, I like Steven Colbert and I hope his show does well, no monologue regardless. But his goofy-ass dancing before the show with that guy dancing and playing the plastic tootie-horn? Beyond painful. Would Johnny Carson act-the-fool with Doc? Dave with Paul?

Seth Meyers has a great monologue. Kudos to his writing team. Love the delivery and news anchor style, too.