Thursday, September 17, 2015

Bae be like; “Oh bae be, bae be,”  Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The makers of Budweiser and Miller are eyeing a merger. In fact, Bud texted Miller at 2:00 AM and asked; “’Sssup?”

The second republican debate was last night. Consensus is Carly Fiorina did great, but she could stand to loosen up. It turns out Fiorina is Italian for Gloria Allred.

Anthony Weiner has lost his job at a P.R. firm. Everyone thought he was kind of a dick.

Budweiser and Miller might merge to be the largest brewery.  No truth to the rumor UPS and Chuck E. Cheese will merge to form UP Chucks.

The second republican debate was last night. Now, I don’t want to say Trump had a rough time, but today that thing on his head in is the Witness Protection program.

The second republican debate was last night. Did you see Donald Trump attempt to high-five Ben Carson? White, middle-aged golfer, Phil Mickelson, gives a better high five.

It was awkward at the republican debate last night when Chris Christie looked at the plane and yelled for a flight attendant to get him a seat belt extension.

The second republican debate was last night. For a fun question, the candidates were asked who they would like to see on the ten dollar bill. Chris Christie said the Adams Family.  Much better answer than the Munsters.

Donald Trump said he wants to replace Obamacare with what he calls Donaldcare: Donaldcare is when you cover up a problem by sweeping over stuff from the side.

Seven-Eleven is delivering a date-night package that includes Red Bull, ice cream, and condoms. There is also a single package that has an Adult DVD, skin lotion and Kleenex for both the after-clean up and the quiet crying.

Oscar Meyer has a dating app that matches singles who like their Sizzle bacon. Proving even abject loneliness and desperation taste better with bacon.

The second republican debate was last night. I played a brutal debate drinking game: you drink every time Donald Trump looks like he is trying hard to end his constipation. 

Police in Miami have arrested a 52-year-old man who was sneaking under the library tables at the Florida International University and smelling women’s feet. To which Kim Davis said; “Thank goodness he wasn’t some pervert smelling guy’s feet.”

At tonight’s republican debate, Carly Fiorina got tough with Donald Trump. And next week she will “Dislike” his Facebook post.

16-year-old chef, Flynn McGarry, has opened a restaurant in New York.  It’s named “As If .” And if it does well, he will open two more, “I Can’t Even” and  “No way.”

A pretty, female Pasadena Texas high school women teacher was caught having sex with a male cheerleader. That is shocking.  A male cheerleader that is straight?

Facebook announced they will soon have a dislike button. What Facebook needs is a button that says; “I was notified it was your birthday, I just did not bother to click a response.”

At the debate did you see Ben Carson leave Donald Trump hanging on a high five? It was the worst white man’s high five since Thanksgiving when my drunk cousin Billy gave my Aunt Trudy a black eye.  

Facebook announced they will soon have a dislike button. They should add more buttons:

“You made another healthy and nutritious meal. Hallelujah It’s a miracle.”

“That is a nice trophy your kid won that cost you a fortune in coaching fees.”

“Wow, your cat again. I’ve never seen a cat before.”

“Oh good, a long political rant. I was looking to change my mind on this topic. Thanks.”

“Another beach picture. I bet you’re the only family that has ever been to the beach.”

“No, I love that you asked me to share your post. Because I want people to think I am as bat-poop crazy as you are.”


In golf, 22-year-old Jordan Spieth used his President's Cup captain pick to choose 45-year-old Phil Mickelson saying; “He brings excitement you normally don’t see in people his age.” Spieth went on to add; “Plus Phil barely smells like an old, wet dog.”

Since you asked:

As a comedy writer, as much as I love having Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump in this race  – imagine how boring it will be without them? – I cannot get past my personal dislike of both of them.

It is not politics. It’s personal.

Many years ago, Donald Trump was having trouble with investors wanting to pull out of luxury condos he was building in nearby Baja, Mexico. (I know a friend of a friend who was a potential buyer)

They started to question Trump’s promises about security. So Trump gathered the investors in a San Diego ball room, about 40 mostly wealthy Mexican nationals – of course no cell phones or recordings of any kind were allowed – and he promised them one at a time, face-to-face, that his name was on this property and he would guarantee every single penny of their investment out of his own pocket.

Those were his words; “I guarantee every penny out of my own pocket.” (You can imagine him throwing in “The Cobra” hand gesture in if you want)

When the local drug cartels went on a murdering spree and Trump’s promises about security were proven to be a bold-face and bald-faced lie, (yes, both are correct) the project went belly up.

Trump walked away from the entire project and told the press and the investors he had no financial connection to the condos. Trump claims he had merely sold them the use of his name. The investors sued Trump and were extremely happy with the settlement. (Maybe that is why Trump dislikes Mexicans so much)

In short, Trump not only lied to their faces, he stole and cheated them. Donald Trump is truly a horrible, horrible human being. 

It is not about politics.

(In candor, many of these wealthy Mexican men were from local politics or were former police, so let’s just say these investors were no Bernie Madoff little old ladies. That is probably why the entire scandal wasn’t investigated more. And why Trump isn’t in prison)

Recently, Donald Trump got caught in one of his many lies when he insulted Carly Fiorina’s face to a reporter from “Rolling Stone” magazine. He then tried to say he meant her persona. (As if that is better)

(When questioned about that last night, Carly kicked Donald’s Trumps right through the goal posts of life)

During last night’s debate, Trump got caught in another lie last about holding a fundraiser for Jeb Bush so he could build a casino in Florida.

There is no doubt Trump has been great for this campaign. He has brought up topics nobody else wants to bring up. He is the picture of anti-political correctness exactly when most people are truly sick of political correctness. Me included. 

On the other hand, trust me, Donald Trump will get caught saying something truly despicable.  Really despicable like; “I like to torture bunnies” despicable.

And then Trump will get caught lying about it. And this will finish him once and for all.

Donald Trump is a bully. Bullies are cowards. When push comes to shove, Donald Trump will be shown to be a lying, pants-wetting coward.

But let's hope that does not happen for a while.