Again, please do not touch these jokes, because these takes are just too damn hot, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers 

Insiders say Donald Trump’s campaign staff is in utter chaos as two top advisors have quit.  The two sides are far apart and, as usual, Trump is trying to sweep things over and cover it up.

A hiker was killed by a bear in Yellowstone. And yet stoners playing video games and eating Cheetos on their couch were, once again, 100% unharmed.

A woman swimming in a river in Central Florida had her arm bitten off by an alligator. Experts say the cause of this was a woman swimming in a river in Central Florida.

Donald Trump tweeted that if you listen to Carly Fiorina for more than ten minutes you get a massive headache. It is a pain that starts on the right side of Trump’s head and sweeps all the way over to the left.

This just in:

Donald Trump announces he will fly to Zimbabwe to hunt down surviving cubs of Cecil the lion to use for extra toupees. His poll numbers skyrocket.

Cubbie Bubbies

Gotta say this is my favorite Cubs lineup not to have the names Ernie Banks, Ryne Sandberg or Mark Grace in it.

Glad that Alcatraz, aka the birdman, Starlin Castro, is not in the lineup. That man is the answer to the question when do you go from calling someone immature to stupid?

B-Rant, Riz-Bone, Cogger, the Street, Warber the Barber and Dexter-do. Thems there is my boys. My Cubbies? Playin’ like a boooossssssssss.

Big fan of the Fog City G’ints, too. Especially Hunter “Does not use the Oxford comma” Pence and my favorite manager not named Maddon, Bruce Bochey.

Bruce Bochey is the pass master of the baseball vague-Southern accent. Here is my best Bochster:

“Well, we’ve got a good club of good ballplayers. When you got good ballplayers playin’ good ball, you’ve got a good ball club. And right now all our ballplayers are playin’ good ball.”