Monday, June 29, 2015

Wish dah poke up in the pang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

#2 US will face #1 Germany in the Women’s World Cup. The US versus Germany, well, I did not see this coming. 

A week following his kettlebell assault arrest, rapper Sean Jean Combs, or P. Diddy, fell down a hole at the BET awards. If week was any worse he’d have to change his name to Trump Daddy.

Been a rough week for Donald Trump, gay marriage and ObamaCare approved and Univision dumped his “Miss USA” pageant. And the Confederate Flag company Trump just started in Greece is not doing well.

Since you asked:

Why did Trump, who has been embroiled in countless nasty feuds, go so ballistic on Univision? Because when they dumped him he knew NBC would dump him and they did. Now NBC is waiting for an excuse to dump Trump’s cash cow “Celebrity Apprentice.”

The reasons for NBC dumping Trump are many. The ratings are down along with Trump’s Q rating. The costs are up. But probably they want to dump “Celebrity Apprentice” primarily because Donald Trump is such an amazingly huge a-hole.

Trump used the excuse of not being on "Apprentice" next season because of his campaign. B.S. NBC canned him, but kept the show. Now they might just dump the show too. 

A friend of a friend worked for Citi Group that last bailed Trump out with a giant loan because financially it made sense. If they let Trump go down, they might go down with him.

Even so, during the meetings one Citi Group executive – a friend of a friend’s friend – said Trump was so arrogant, pompous and generally hated, the vote was close. Some would have rather taken the chance of going out of business just to see Trump fry.

Some insiders say Trump needed the liquidity provided by NBC to grease his empire. Trump has a lot of assets, but he has a ton of debt. Assets and debt have a way of flipping. Debt always grows and assets fluctuate. If the Donald has to start panic-selling, the market could get far worse and his assets would diminish or vanish.

Trump could go broke. How great would that be?

If I am a bank with a loan to Trump, I pull it today. You can use the excuse of his awful comments on Mexican immigrants, but the truth is you pull it because Trump is such a tool. And you’re sure to get your money back if you pull the loan sooner than later.

The reality is Trump broke isn’t like you or me broke. It is like Mike Tyson broke or the Kennedys broke or Lindsay Lohan broke. They’re protected by bankruptcy and lawyers so they keep showing up in London, Paris, Aspen, Monaco and Switzerland.

My wish as a comedy writer is Donald Trump stays in the race for president for a long time. He is always good for material.

My wish as a human being who wants to see a person who treats other human beings badly is for Trump to go down in flames.

His chemically-fueled pompadour torched and leading the way.

Here is my prediction for USA versus Germany.

The FIFA refs will continue to be horrific and make several horrible calls that will alter the outcome. Probably against the US. Against Nigeria, the refs were bent on calling horrific yellow cards on our only two players who already had yellow cards, Holiday and Rapinoe  What a coincidence? And, I never thought I would say this, but what FIFA did to France was borderline criminal.

A fish rots from the head down and from Sepp Blatter to the refs, FIFA is one rotten fish. 

Look for the long-awaited rise of Alex Morgan and Abby Wambach scoring duo. And we will need it because Germany will score on us. As great as Hope Solo and our defense has been, my experience in soccer and hockey is, when a team goes from shut-outs to letting one in, they tend to fall apart.

Germany has many injuries and yellow cards from their marathon game against France. My prediction is 4-3 USA over Germany in overtime. Winner of this game is the winner of the World Cup.

It would appear my favorite golfer, Phil Mickelson, has caught his Mickelson in a ringer. Phil is tied to an illegal gambling and money laundering scheme.

From the boozy philandering of Walter Hagen right up until Tiger Woods slammed his luxury SUV into a fire hydrant leaving a wake of empty Kettle One bottles and broken-hearted Hooters and Waffle House waitresses, it appears golf is not played by the genteel and refined types it wants us to believe it is.

Behind the soft clapping and whispering of “Nice ball” there are some real cowboys out there.

If playing golf at luxury resorts for millions of dollars was easy, everyone would do it. It is not easy.

These guys start from scratch against over a hundred of the best golfers in the world each time out.  This is not the incestuously cozy world of NASCAR. Oh, you had a good opening day? Good for you. Now we will reverse the order of play and change the tees and holes and the weather and see how you do today. You did well again? Great. Now do it two more times.

Did I mention the pressure of a million dollars in winnings and the potential for millions of dollars in sponsorships?

So these guys blow off some steam from time to time. They are young, fit and rich, it would be wrong if they didn’t. Believe me, I am no accountant, but last time I checked, I think Phil had $3 mil to blow on gambling if he wants to.

Would it have been better for his image if Phil had given the $3 mil. to the already untold tens of millions he and Amy have raised for breast cancer awareness? Probably. But that is up to Phil, not the press.

So these guys aren’t saints like Jack Nicklaus and Johnny Miller. Good. It is more interesting if they are human.

Just don’t be a rude, cheap jerk, like Tiger Woods.