Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Bruce Jenner got into the St. Patrick’s Day mood by rear-ending a Guinness truck.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, this is a day where people get drunk, dance in the streets and get in fights. Or as the Irish call that: Tuesday.

The good news is, for the first time, gay people were allowed to march in Boston’s St. Patrick Day parade. The bad news? The entire cast of Broadway’s “My Big Gay Italian Wedding” got lost in a snow bank.

In honor of the birth of his daughter, singer, Chris Brown, announced he will no longer use the word “hoes” in his music. In another gesture of respect for women, Brown said he may also stop punching them.

Pope Francis has hinted he may retire from being the Pope and not serve a full term; you know who may replace him? Either Ryan Seacrest or Anderson Cooper.

Vladimir Putin is back on the job after being missing for ten days. Putin wasted no time and got right back to denying he killed an opponent.

30 people had to receive treatment for heat-related illnesses due to the 93-degree temperatures at the Los Angeles Marathon Sunday. Here is a little health secret I know to avoid heat-related marathon illnesses: When it’s hot? Don’t run a freaking marathon.

Since you asked:

From the countless documentaries I have watched chronicling the Laurel Canyon/Sunset Blvd. rock era from 1967 to 1984, from the most recent “Super Mensch” on uber manager, Shep Gordon, “Gonzo” on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, “The History of the Eagles” and “Legends of Laurel Canyon,” “Running Down a Dream”  on Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, just to name a few, there is almost always a moment like this:

“The women and the drugs and the booze were everywhere, in the studio Jacuzzi, on the road in the limos, the hotel suites, the radio station interviews, on the private jet, and it was wonderful. We stayed up for days at a time making great music, playing poker and having wild sex. This went on for years. And then, suddenly, cocaine ruined it all.”

Now wait a damn minute.

Just how much cocaine did they have to add to the equation to go from countless back-to-back all-night orgies to get to the point where “cocaine ruined it all”? That has to be one butt-load of a lot of cocaine. We’re talking Tony Montana-like mogul hills.

Chew cochahrooach, chew. (My best Tony Montana) 

If you want to hear for yourself the full effect of the ravages of cocaine on the music industry, from the artists to the record producers, just listen to all the wonderful songs on the Eagles’ “Desperado” album.

And then listen to that rancid, festering and smoldering heap of alien/monster acidic anus-destroying diarrhea that are the songs; “Greeks Don’t Want No Freaks” “Disco Strangler” and “Teenage Jail” on “The Long Run.” 

Those three songs alone could turn a rabid Eagles fan into Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski.

About the only thing the witnesses of the Los Angeles music scene - from the late sixties to the eighties - can agree on is there was too much cocaine, and Eagles manager, Irving Azoff, was the world’s biggest a-hole.

And that circus midget, mother-effer, Azoff, is rich. Irving Azoff is living proof that, no matter how much money you have, you cannot make up for being short and hung like a gerbil.

Irving Azoff's most affectionate nicknames? The little ball of hate and the poison dwarf. 

(Famous Irving Azoff impressions in movies. Jimmy Fallon in "Almost Famous" as the nice guy Irving and Tom Cruise in "Tropic Thunder" as the almost dead-on Irving.)

NCAA Mascots Ranking

The 68 teams for the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament are set.

Time to pick the final four mascots.

For scary it is hard to beat the Providence Friars. (What could be scarier to a bunch of young boys than a Catholic priest?)

For sheer poetic beauty of rolling off the tongue, I go with the Gonzaga Bulldogs – which sounds like a joke sex act, like a Cincinnati bow tie – and Virginia Cavaliers and the Valparaiso Crusaders.  (The UC Irvine Anteaters are unique, but I prefer the more accurate UC Irvine Scary Drivers)

For sheer mascot confusion, it is hard to beat Ole Miss. Yes, they are the Rebels, but their mascot is a black bear and yet their go-to celebration gesture is a hand-to-the-forehead fin-like gesture for a landshark. But their cheer is Hotty Toddy.

Ole Miss clearly has mascot issues.

Sure, there are those who will take your Wichita State Shockers (the wheat equivalent of huskers of corn) or your Purdue Boilermakers for their unique mascots, or Ohio State Buckeyes for their confusing mascot. (a type of acorn. Yeah, I don’t get it either)

Frivolity aside, here are my final four mascot picks:

The Albany Great Danes, the Manhattan Jaspers (Named after the priest who invented the seventh inning stretch in baseball) the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (type of feisty rooster) and the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks. (Go Full Monty Python)