Monday, February 04, 2013

Wally “Waffles” is a hound out of round, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

NFL Hall of Famer, Dan Marino admitted he had a child with a CBS staff member; he’s blaming it on that erectile dysfunction spray made out of deer antler extract.

I am so excited for the Super Bowl. You’ve got a pregame show, Beyonce performing at halftime along with the lingerie bowl, the puppy bowl, the Bud Bowl, and outstanding commercials. And what is that other thing? Oh, yeah, a football game.

CBS is excited about the San Francisco-Baltimore Ravens matchup because East Coast-West Coast teams are good for ratings. Plus it is always exciting to watch the Ravens because you never sure if Ray Lewis is going to stab someone.

It’s not looking good for Alex Rodriguez. Looks like he is embroiled in another steroid scandal and the New York Yankees are looking to dump him. Not only that, A-Rod was caught at the Super Bowl being fed popcorn by his imaginary girlfriend.

Arab-Americans claim a Coke Super Bowl commercial is racist, it depicts a Sheik walking a camel across the desert. When will advertisers learn to stick with the one stereotype nobody gets mad at? White dudes making fools of themselves for a beer.

Thankfully the Super Bowl is over; even god was getting sick of Ray Lewis thanking him.

Since you asked:

Like the rest of the season, got the Super Bowl all kinds of wrong. Glad it was a fun game to watch, though. Thought Clay the Treble Trouble Tres did a good pre-game, but at times he seemed nervous.

Do know this. Lex’s Super Bowl Sliders were a hit. Key ingredients? Ground sirloin at 22% fat. Havarti cheese, sautéed yellow onions, sweet pickle slices, drizzle of Worcestershire sauce, goop made of ketchup, mayo, garlic powder, mustard and served on Hawaiian King butter rolls. 

Served with baked beans and fruit salad.

By stumpy, go bumpy, Nugs and Terns. 

So glad the Super Bowl did not turn into the Ray Lewis slobber-fest the press predicted.

Once again, the negative spin on Ray Lewis proves how much the press can get a story wrong. The press tried to make a hero out of the retiring Ray Lewis. Fact is most people see Ray as a drug cheater who probably killed at least one if not two people.

If Ray Lewis is innocent, why did the Atlanta D.A. charge him with murder? If Ray is innocent, why did he throw away the white suit he wore the night of the murders? If Ray Lewis is innocent, why did he cop a plea deal and roll over on his two "friends"? If Ray Lewis is innocent, why hasn't he told anyone what exactly happened? 

We need to find out what happened with the double-murders. We need to find out if Ray used deer antler extract to heal an obvious steroid-induced injury, a torn triceps. 

Then we need to let Ray Lewis vanish. No Hall of Fame, no lucrative TV announcer deals. 

Top signs you went to a wild Super Bowl party:

You can't get the guacamole stains out of your rainbow afro wig.

You saw god and he asked you to tell Ray Lewis to stop thanking him.

You still can't figure out why the 49'ers have 53 players.

You had a horrible dream a pasty-faced geek got to practically swallow super model Bar Rafaeli. 

You haven't stopped crying over that Clydesdale colt.

When you threw up in the bathroom it was while making the noises Har and Baugh. 

Your imaginary girlfriend made a sex tape with Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan. 

And the top sign you went to a wild Super Bowl party:

Dan Marino did a drunken Karaoke to "Love Child."