Monday, January 14, 2013

Mokiki does the sloppy-swish, Mokiki, Mokiki, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Guess which US city watches the most porn? Washington DC.  That is surprising. What isn’t surprising is which street in the US watches the most porn. That would be Chicago’s Wacker Drive.

Turns out the DC stands for Diddling the Chicken.

Amazon is advertising a laptop desk that fits on your car’s steering wheel. It even has a special compartment for you to store your dental records so they can identify your body after the fiery crash.

Justin Bieber’s ex-bodyguard is suing Bieber for assault, he claims Bieber punched him several times during an argument. How can he be a celebrity bodyguard when Justin Bieber kicked his ass? Who’s he going to work for now, the Olsen twins? 

So much for the bodyguard hall of fame.

Three-time Olympic runner, Suzy Favor Hamilton, admitted she worked as a Las Vegas call girl. Nike has made a new shoe in her honor. The Air Mattress.

Justin Bieber’s ex-bodyguard is suing Bieber for assault, he claims Bieber punched him several times during an argument. Can you imagine this guy interviewing for another bodyguard job? “OK, I see you have your bodyguard certificate, your security services diploma. Wait a second. What’s this? Justin Bieber kicked your ass? Yeah, thanks for stopping by. Buh bye.”

Britney Spears broke off her engagement to her former manager, Jason Trawick. First Britney loses her manager, than her job at “X Factor”, than her fiancé. Taylor Swift could make a double-album out of that.

Since you asked: 
Last night, after a few tasty Maggies, (margaritas) while Virg and Ann Caroline were watching one of their interminable dross TV shows, “ Once Upon a Vampire’s Revenge of the Good Housewife” I sat there listening to my awesome Beat headphones on iTunes and just played song after song.

Old school freestyle jamboning is what I did.

Have you seen “SNL” “The Californians” skit?

It parodies/demeans us Californians as selfish, self-absorbed, car-and-driving-fixated, partying, sleeping-around vapid, dumb, vain losers.

And it is hilarious.

‘Cause guess what? A lot of Californians are selfish, self-absorbed, car-and-driving-fixated, partying, sleeping-around vapid, dumb, vain losers. 

Fact is I surf, I wear Hawaiian shirts, jeans and sandals, I have blonde/brown/red hair. Probably say dude way more than I should. Take way too much pride in knowing shortcuts to avoid traffic jams and my guacamole and margarita recipes.

So this skit could be aimed at me. Am I offended? No. Why not? Because it’s funny. There are people who talk like “What arrrrrrrrrrrr youuuuu doin’ heeerrrrrrre?”

Can you imagine a skit parodying West Virginians as moon-shine-drinking, sister-humping, possum-grilling, no-teeth-having hicks? The screams of angry protests could be heard echoing from the coal mines. 

So they just did like what they did to the idiots on the morons of "Jersey Shore", they just pointed a camera at them and called it a reality show. You couldn't make a character funnier or more clownish than "The Situation" or Snooki. 

Grow some common sense, get a sense of humor and, most of all LIGHTEN UP. 

While you still can, don’t even try to understand, just find a place to make your stand and take it easy.

"What am I doooooooooin' heerrrrrre? Well, I took Sunset Blvd to the 405, went north and merged with the 101, got off on Winnetka Blvd and ended up herrrrrrrrre in Encinooooooooooooo." 

Lex Writes “SNL's” “Drunk Uncle.”

DU: “Hey Sethhhhh, you know who I hate?”

S: “Who, Drunk Uncle?”

DU: (Leans in close) “Everybody.”

S: “Really, drunk Uncle? You can’t hate everybody.”

DU: “They’re alllllllll doooooussssshhhhhbagsssssss. ‘Cept you ‘n me.”

S: “Of course.”

DU: “’N I'm not so sure ‘bout you.”

“They go ‘roun wearin’  thossssse sssssskinny jeans an’ wool hatssss. When did it become OK for guys to dress like an Olsen twin?”

 “An’ they wear thossssse thumb ringsssssssss. You know what they sssshhould put around their thumb?”

S: “What, Drunk Uncle?”

DU: “Their ass. “

“An they think they’re ssssssooooo coooooooool listenin’ to that rapidity hopp. That’sssss rapidity hopp? Not music."

S: "It's not even rapidity hopp."

DU: "In my day we listened to slow, awful music so we could dry hump. Nobody dry humpsssssss anymore, Ssseth.”

S: “Is that a bad thing?”

DU: “Nobody caught an STP from dry humping. They didn’t get that cladmidables neither.”

S: “You don’t want to catch cladmidables.”

DU: “Let me asssssk you somethin’, Sssseth.”

S: “OK?”

 DU: “I miss dry humping” (Getting weepy)

S: “Is that a question?”

DU: “Sure, dry humping gave you blues ballsssss, but you didn’t catch the crap.”

“How hard isss it to go like this? (Drunkenly flips his hand up and down)  Thassss all you gotta do to turn on a freakin’ turn signal (More drunk hand flipping) But noooooooo, Mr. Wool-hat, rappidity hopp in his Prius is tooooooo busy to turn on a turn signal.”

"And they got those neck beards. Their necks look like they're in a Seventies porno. Brown chicken brown cow."

“Hey Seth.”

S: “Yes, Drunk Uncle.”

DU: “Did I tell you I miss dry humping?”

And that is this week’s episode of Lex Writes "Drunk Uncle.”