Monday, February 27, 2012

When did Nick Nolte turn into Dog the Bounty Hunter dressed up as Santa Claus?

We got to get tight for the right to fight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

This Just In: Angelina Jolie's black dress has filed a Missing Leg report.

To those of you who played that exciting new Oscar drinking game, "Hugo" and Scorsese, good luck with your upcoming stint in rehab.

Did you see how surprised Meryl Streep was by her Best Actress win? Come on, Meryl. You've been nominated 17 times, won three. Don't go getting all Taylor Swift on our ass.

Since you asked:

It is my contention that two things are the most under-appreciated things we do:

Breathing and sleeping.

This observation was hit home to me on Saturday night, I could not do the latter because of extreme difficulty with the prior.

At about 10:00 pm on Saturday night, my breathing discomfort due to – what I thought was bronchitis - moved from a three to a four on the one-to-ten scale of difficulty breathing. One being clear breathing, ten being somebody stepping on your throat to strangle you.

The problem with moving from three to four is that it goes from uncomfortable to labored. Once you are laboring to breath, it tends to get worse. By two in the morning, it was clear I could not lay down to sleep for the wheezing and the constriction in my chest.

By five in the AM I was at a 5 on the scale - which rendered even watching TV or using the computer difficult. This stage makes you unable to catch your breath after any kind of exertion, like climbing the stairs.

The mental transition from worrying to panic sets in at stage 6 which occurred at 7 am and it was time for your buddy Lex to drive himself to urgent care.

After five hours, which included chest X-rays, blood work, an ECG, blood pressure tests and one fairly good sweaty panic attack, the doctor informed me that, after a 40 year absence, my childhood asthma had come back home.

Oh goody.

Got to give this one back to medical science. They got me from a 6.5 discomfort zone to a conservative 2. The difference of how I felt 12 hours later was amazing. Thanks to cortisone for the inflammation, antibiotics for the infection and an inhaler to stop the wheezing.

Yes, just two weeks after buying an Apple laptop MacBook Pro, I have turned into a full-blown nerd with an asthma inhaler.

In a shamelessly self-absorbed search of my material on blogs . . .

I discovered one of my jokes was translated over to a Chinese blog and then translated back to English. Only very badly.

The joke:

Rumor has it Khloe Kardashian's father is OJ Simpson; "If the condom does not fit, you could produce a twit."

This was turned into:

"The quiet talking utterances proclaim Khloe Kardashian male sibling occurs of the OJ Simpson. "If the rubber shoe is not forthcoming in comfort the result could be children of utter non-conformity."