The Water is wide, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

84-year-old, Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiance, Crystal Harris, said sex with Hef was over in like two seconds. And to think, at his age, I didn’t think Hef could do anything in two seconds.

Clorox turned down a $10.7 billion offer by Carl Ichan. The problem is Clorox thought the money was laundered.

Gay marriage is now legal in New York. What are the differences between a straight and a gay wedding? In a straight wedding the bride doesn’t suck, but the music does.

The Tat Brats –as the tabloids call them – Jesse James and Kat von D are kaput. Oh, man, if those two normal, well-adjusted kids can’t make it, what chance does anyone have?

The split is amicable, no marriage, no kids, and neither will get custody of their dignity.

The Kardashian sisters combined to earn over $60 million this year. As a result, experts will convene to redefine the word: Earn.

300-pound New Jersey Gov., Chris Christie, is fine and out of the hospital after having what it appeared was an asthma attack. Turns out it wasn't asthma, he had an entire ham stuck in his throat.


Since you asked:
There is an article in “SI” that suggests that Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa should eventually be put in the baseball Hall of Fame based only on their amazing statistics.

Wrong.

What if somebody won the World Series of Poker four years in a row, but it was discovered the whole time they had been sneaking aces? It doesn’t matter that he/she had amazing statistics, he/she got those statistics by cheating.

The rules state that you cannot bet on baseball. As a result, the man with the record for most hits, Pete Rose, will never be in the Hall of Fame and should not be. And there is no proof his betting altered one single game.

There is a rule in baseball you cannot take performance enhancing drugs. Sosa and McGwire broke that rule and therefore should never be in the Hall of Fame. And what they did altered the outcome of all of their games.

Steroids changes everything from how far someone can hit the ball to how hard they can hit it to how much they can train to how long they can play.

And they lied about taking steroids. True, character flaws do not count or a known racist like Ty Cobb would not be in the Hall. But we’re talking about lying about how they cheated the game of baseball. To Congress.

To this day one of the funniest non-funny things ever was that big oaf, McGwire, trying to play the learned tweed-clad professor in front of Congress.

"I am not here to talk about the past."

Uh, excuse me, Professor Douchey McDouche, that is exactly why you are there.