"You, you, you m-m-missed the cut-off man, n-n-n-now th-th-that is something I want you to work on in the off-season."

It has been made very clear to me what my job is: I smiled, waved my little cap, now when do I get paid, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

11th seed VCU will play 8th seed Butler in the final four of the NCAA tournament. There is actually a name for those who say they picked VCU to play Butler: Liars.

Kirsty Alley and comedian George Lopez are engaged in a Twitter feud. Lopez called Alley a dancing pig, and she called him a drunk and demanded he return the kidney his ex-wife donated. Let’s all hope this doesn’t get ugly.

In Texas, a 10-year-old boy mad over being punished, jumped in his mom’s SUV and sped off until police followed and the kid had a crash. The boy is fine. If by fine you mean in a timeout for the rest of his natural life.

Kirsty Alley and George Lopez are in a feud. Lopez called Alley a dancing pig, and Alley called him a drunk, demanding he return the kidney his ex-wife donated. And then Chris Brown threw a chair at both of them.

Don’t judge Kirsty and George. Everyone celebrates Kindness and Geniality Week in their own way.

London’s Diagram Prize for the oddest book title went to: “Managing a Dental Practice: The Ghengis Khan Way.” Second prize for the oddest book title? Charlie Sheen’s new book: “Winning with Tiger Blood, Adonis DNA While Feasting on Troll Bones.”

According to the latest census statistics, one-sixth of all Americans are Hispanic. This comes as quite a shock to Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. That means three of their 19 kids are Hispanic.

You know who has a rough job at NBC? The guy who films the promos for “The Voice.” He has to figure out ways to pose Christine Aguilera so she doesn’t look like she just ate an entire Justin Bieber.

Since the revolution, Egyptian tourism is down and they’re begging Americans to travel to Egypt. Personally, I can think of two reasons why Americans won’t travel to Egypt: Anderson and Cooper. They beat that little guy like an unruly red-headed step child.

Have you seen the commercials for NBC’s “The Voice”? I don’t want to say Christine Aguilera has gotten heavier, but today she botched the lyrics to Chili’s “I want my baby back ribs.”



Since you asked:

Anyone who has read this sad drivel of a blog knows my love for rockumentaries - or any rock movie - is unending. So it was with great anticipation I saw the classic rock opera “Tommy” available On Demand.

My memory of seeing “Tommy” when it came out was fuzzy. (Read: one of my first altered-state movie experiences) But I remember it starred a lot of my favorite stars on earth, Ann Margaret, Eric Clapton, The Who, (notably Pete Townsend, Roger Daltry and Keith Moon) Elton John, Oliver Reed and Jack Nicholson.

So how bad could it be?

Oh... my... word.

To say this movie is torture is to say the Hindenburg was an unpleasant traveling experience. The director, Ken Russell – to paraphrase my old friend Drew Pitt – should be taken out, shot, brought back to life, gang raped by a tribe of Masai warriors and shot again.

Death by ungahbungah.

To borrow some concepts from “Tropic Thunder”a nut-less monkey getting punched in the face by the key grip and best boy could have made a better movie.

How is it even possible to make Eric Clapton look like an utter idiot when he is playing and singing a blues classic? Don’t know, but this quivering pile of bat poop director, Ken Russell, somehow manages it. Clapton’s guitar strumming is a solid half-beat off the song.

“Tommy” is a filmed testimony of how drug abuse can bring down the quality of an entire civilization, let alone a single movie. The only explanation of how a movie can end up being so horrible and ridiculous is that everyone involved was so coked-out and gacked-up they weren’t thinking straight.

It as if the director continually shouted at these vastly talented people;

“No, I want it more annoying, more stupid, more senseless. Now go snort a huge pile of blow and try and be as awful as you possibly can, then make it ten times worse.”

There is one decent scene with a good song; that’s when Roger Daltry runs through fields and beaches singing “I am Free.” Besides that, I would rather clean out the inside of a Port-a-Potty at a Metallica concert with my toothbrush than see this movie again.

On the other hand, I like those movies, "Long Kiss Goodnight" and "Bourne Identity" where the protagonist suddenly discovers their spy skills.

I'm sorta like that only I was a 16th century Prussian warrior. I can cook, tell stories, play an instrument, grill, mend wounds, fight/wrestle, ride horses, run, have good balance on water, make fires, be strong, balance and I can intuitively sharpen a knife until you can shave with it. All skills needed for the old days of battle.

No real point here, just bragging.