Who you gonna call, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

In Illinois, a 56-year-old woman got drunk and then attacked police with a hard clear plastic sex toy. In her defense, at least she didn’t go off half-cocked.

A study claims Los Angeles residents are second to last out of 35 cities in intelligence. How could a city that is responsible for such brilliant shows like “Joey” “The Michael Richards Show” and “Baywatch Nights” rank so badly? Oh, right.

After firing their 1-7 coach, Wade Phillips, the Dallas Cowboys upset the 6-2 New York Giants, 33-20. In a related story, the 1-9 L.A. Clippers announced they are also firing Wade Phillips.

Jessica Simpson is engaged to former NFL QB, Eric Johnson. To review, Jessica has also dated NFL QB’s Tony Romo, Matt Leinart and Colt Brennan. In fact, Jessica has nailed more Quarterbacks than the defensive lines of the Oakland Raiders and Buffalo Bills combined.

In New Jersey, a cute little furry dog named Bandit saved a family from succumbing to toxic smoke by barking and waking everyone up. Or as Bandit calls it: saving his own ass.

German scientists have discovered a brain disorder that causes the victim to tell horrible jokes. It’s called: Being German.

Representative Charlie Rangel was denied a delay in his House ethics trial. One of the things Rangel is charged with is being tardy with paying his taxes and he asks for a delay? That’s like asking to get out of a DUI because you want to go to happy hour.

Prince William is engaged to Kate Middleton; don’t let the stylish clothes and the classy accent fool you, this girl is trouble. They haven’t invented a body part from which she has not done a Jello shot.

Since you asked:
Got a great idea for a movie treatment:

“The Slump Buster.”

It’s “Bull Durham” meets “Shallow Hall” 

Picture a Mark Grace all-American boy (I picture either Matt Damon or James Franco, both with the requisite comedic chops) Major League baseball player who is just entering into a horrible slump. Crusty coach R. Lee Ermey (drill sergeant in “Full Metal Jacket) informs him of the slump buster theory: a baseball player in a hitting slump has to have sex with an unattractive woman to end the slump.

So what happens when a ballplayer ends up falling for the slump buster?

With Zach Galifianakis as the whacky clubhouse manager and Seth Rogan as the quirky relief pitcher. Already picturing an improv song and dance scene where all his teammates start singing;

“When you need some strange, and it can’t be good, who you gonna call? Slump Buster.”

Our hero meets a very-needs work, but pretty deep down girl like Sandra Bullock in “Love Potion #9” Thick eyebrows, glasses, frumpy clothes, frizzy hair. In short, a slump buster.

They spend the night, she falls in love, he dumps her, his slump ends.

Then she reads an article about the player’s hitting streak starting with the guy sleeping with a slump buster, she makes the connection she is the slump buster and is pissed.

She then goes “Pretty Woman” and gets all sexied up. She meets him at the bar, he is smitten, they sleep together and she dumps him. Boom, immediately he goes into another slump.

He tries to get her back, she refuses, boom, a romping sports rom-com with Queen Latifa playing the role of her feisty black girlfriend.

Fairly interesting story:
The summer after my Dad passed I was visiting Mom in Winnetka. She told me a juicy story about the wife of the house on the other side of our garage went missing. Everyone suspected the creepy husband and, sure enough, a couple of days later as he is walking past our house walking his dog, my mom introduced us, we chatted briefly, he mentioned he was planning on moving to get away after all that had happened. Once back inside our house, Mom asked:

“So what do you think? Did he do it?”

“No doubt about it.”

The very next night that dog, a well-groomed golden retriever, stands in the middle of our backyard and starts barking. It’s the creepy missing-wife guy’s dog. I go outside and this dog goes full blown Lassie on my butt, trotting out to the sidewalk and stopping to make sure I follow him. This happens ten more times: the dog barks, trots ahead and waits for me to catch up.

The dog and I half circle our block all the way around from our Elm street to the opposite address on Spruce street.

Sure enough the dog makes me follow him into the backyard. Now I am getting nervous. Of course I think the dog is showing me where the wife is buried. But he doesn’t dig or point, he just stands in the backyard and barks.

This is where the story would be really wild if something exciting happened next.

But it didn’t. I get home, the dog stays in his backyard. I think I remember my Mom having me call and report it to the police, but I can’t swear to that.

All you need to know about the unchecked egomania of sports stars and the sycophants idiots who fan their inferno megalomania is what LeBron James did when he left Cleveland for Miami.

Here a guy makes this monumental drama about the decision in the first place, then he turns around screws an entire city and state, his hometown no less, and all the other teams in the NBA, to go to an unfairly padded team with two other superstars. If all that wasn't moronic enough, he and his butt-smooching people at Nike and ESPN and his agents all agree it would be a brilliant idea to film that same sleazy decision.

What buffoons.