Friday, August 27, 2010

And a hearty-har Mariska Hartigay to you too there, guy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In “People” magazine, Elin Nordegren said she never hit Tiger Woods on Thanksgiving night. Maybe she didn’t hit him, but that nine iron she was holding whacked Tiger pretty good.

It was hot in Los Angeles, people were sweating like Lindsay Lohan walking past a TGIF during happy hour.

Heidi Montag reportedly wants to get rid of her huge breast implants. This is another in a line of serious procedures, the most recent one was when Heidi had 150 pounds of useless flesh removed when she divorced Spencer Pratt.

At the Barclays, Tiger Woods shot his best round this year, a 66, right after his divorce being final. Well, sure, everyone knows you play golf better when you get your own balls back.

Not to say Brett Favre is getting old, but today at the Minnesota Viking training camp, Favre got tackled and cried; “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Truth be told, it is a little awkward at the Minnesota Viking training camp, instead of yelling an audible at the line of scrimmage, Brett Favre keeps telling the defense to get off his lawn.

Lindsay Lohan is getting rave reviews from her “Machete” co-stars for her role as a drug-addled failure. Really? That’s not exactly a big stretch for Lindsay. That’s like Tiger Woods playing a sex-crazed golfer.

The salmonella egg scare continues. Know who I really feel sorry for? A couple named Ella and Sam who own a breakfast diner. Sadly it’ called: Sam n’ Ella’s Eggs.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is set to star in “Hysteria” a movie about the invention of the vibrator. Don’t confuse the movie about the vibrator with “Jersey Shore,” that’s a show about dildos.
Since you asked:

The observation that there are Pop Tart crumbs on your keyboard will be immediately followed by the realization and amazement of the weight behind that sudden wave of sadness.

Related: if there is a Hot Pocket stain on your polyester shirt with your name sewn into it? Your life might not be going according to plan.