"Look, I am waiting to catch the bull crap that is about to come from my mouth."

What to the what to the what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Porn star Joslyn James claims she got pregnant by Tiger Woods twice. Not surprising, the letters in Tiger Woods spell: Dog sires two.

In Philadelphia, an obese, loud and vulgar male from New Jersey, Matthew Clemmens, was arrested for intentionally vomiting on an off-duty cop and his young daughter during a Phillies game. The New York Mets are recruiting Clemmens to serve as a model of class and comportment for their fans.

The good news is the Boise State ugly blue turf is being torn out. The bad news? It’s being replaced by another ugly blue turf. That’s like eliminating a terrorist member of al Qaeda and replacing him with a guy from the Taliban.

Since you asked:

You know what I love about John Edwards? There there is nothing I don’t hate about John Edwards. That is what.

This hatred came long before we found out Edwards lied about his bastard child with his gold digger skank bucket whore, Rielle Hunter, (she announced she doesn’t like the name mistress, so the Lex-dude abides) while cheating on his dying-with-cancer wife, Elizabeth. (With all due respect to the ill, she is no prize either. Reportedly quite the Lady McBeth shrew) Oh, and Edwards financed his bastard and whore with campaign money. He could go to jail for that.

It’s not about politics, it’s personal. From the first time I saw Edwards’s little dimpled cheeks and his teeth whitener smile under his $1,000 hair cut while wearing his $10,000 suit, I wanted to slap the snot out of his smug too-tan cutesy choirboy face.

Look, politicians are all lying cheating dirt bags. We know it, we generally can live with it. But when one of those dirt bags runs on the image of being the perfect father and husband and then we find out he is a lying hypocrite, we want to bring them down. We brought Edwards down.

Good job, us.

And it’s not jealousy over good looks, money and power and women. John F. Kennedy had all the money, power and cheating hot girlfriends a man could have, and I am a huge fan of the JFK. No, its because Edwards is such an obvious fake, phony, charlatan, con artist.

No matter his wealth and success, deep down Edwards is what he has always been: a sleazy scabby-knees ambulance chaser. He just happens to be a good scabby-knees ambulance chaser. So good Edwards has personally managed to raise our medical costs by billions of dollars while getting fat-stupid-rich in the process.

Is there anything more fun then when an utter scum bucket, like Edwards, gets what is coming to them? Agreed, it’s not OJ Simpson, Tiger Woods or Bernie Madoff fun, but it is fun.

Edwards reminds me of several scumbag characters I worked with in a top La Jolla brokerage firm. The endless supply of old rich people in La Jolla attract slick-looking immoral con artists, and I worked with one who actually stole half-a-million dollars from his rich Greek clients and lost it in Las Vegas in one weekend. And he wasn’t the worst. Four stock brokers who worked in my office in La Jolla, including that guy, eventually did time in prison.

And they weren’t the worst.

By far the worst was this big time stock broker, whose name rhymed with Spike Stargis, who dressed impeccably, his suits and pin point cotton shirts were tailor made, he had a gorgeous house near the beach in Del Mar, a gold and diamond Rolex, he drove the nicest and cleanest hand-detailed dark blue BMW convertible you’ve ever seen and crewed on the fastest sail boats in California. He was a tan, slender, good-looking guy with sandy hair who smelled of the most expensive bay rum cologne, dated the prettiest women and ate at the best restaurants and hung with the fastest crowd at the Del Mar racetrack; he was charming, quick with a laugh and a joke as anyone you’ve ever seen.

The problem?

He was also a full-blown racist, foul-mouthed sociopath and a herpes-ridden perverted sex-fiend degenerate gambler alcoholic cocaine addict who sincerely enjoyed and even laughed about stealing retirement money from little old dying widows. He used to secretly tape his sexual conquests - clearly without their knowledge - and show them to his pals during poker games. (He also cheated at poker) His utter immorality and lack of character was as contemptibly sadistic as any evil dictator in history, Hitler and Stalin combined. He just lacked the stomach to actually commit murder because he was also a coward.

Back in those days it was easy for me to judge somebody simply by what they thought of Spike Stargis. There were far too many who were, like him, so totally shallow and vain all they saw were the outer trappings of looks, success and apparent good taste.

Anyone who could judge character at all knew Stargis was the moral equivalent of someone who greased themselves all over with rancid rat fat in order to more easily slide down into the sewer and hump a dead alligator.

Like John Edwards, Spike Stargis never did prison time, but he should have. But Edwards still can.