Friday, May 22, 2009

Whup, whup, whup, whup, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

He’s OK
It turns out he’s OK, but you know LA Dodger Manny Rameriz who is suspended for taking a female fertility drug? The earthquake LA had? It knocked Manny off the table during his sonogram.

Fondling?
Buffalo Bills fullback, Corey McIntyre, was arrested in Florida for fondling himself outside of a woman’s bedroom window. Fondling himself? Not to be crude, but let’s not be cute and say he fondled himself, that Buffalo Bill was buffalo’ing his bill like nobody’s business.

A Buffalo Bills fullback, Corey McIntyre, was arrested in Florida for fondling himself outside of a woman’s bedroom window. Fondling himself? Afterwards did he cuddle with himself?

A Buffalo Bills fullback, Corey McIntyre, was arrested in Florida for fondling himself outside of a woman’s bedroom window. Isn’t fondling something you do to someone else? It’s like you can’t talk dirty to yourself. “Oh, you are such a stud, yes you are, don’t stop.”

A Buffalo Bills fullback, Corey McIntyre, was arrested in Florida for fondling himself outside of a woman’s bedroom window. Now he might get traded. I bet he goes to the Green Bay Whackers, err, I mean Packers.

Great idea
A Chicago company is making a line of hair care products inspired by ex-Gov. Rod Blagojevich. The shampoo bottle comes with a wrist leash so you don’t drop it in the prison shower.

Bad
The earthquake in Los Angeles lasted 15 seconds. It was so bad Joan Rivers eyebrows actually moved.

Not good
After his pot smoking suspension, Michael Phelps lost a 100 yard backstroke race; I’m not sure Phelps isn’t still smoking pot. He lost the backstroke because the whole way down he was eating Oreo cookies from a package resting on top of his chest.

Cheaper option
Women in New York are paying $180 for bird poo facials; for those on a budget you can go to the park and pretend to be a statue.

Great moment
There is a Muslim version of “American Idol” called “Your Voice is Heard.” My favorite moment this season? When Osama bin Adam sang “Whole Lotta Mullah.”

Again, bad
We had an earthquake. I was shaking like Miss California at a women’s softball tournament.

Same thing
Mine that Bird is a gelding that won the Kentucky Derby and finished second in the Preakness. How it works with a gelding is a spirited male is castrated to calm him and then ridden around in circles while being repeatedly whipped. Or as guys call that: marriage.

Old
Now I don't want to say Kiss is getting old, but on "American Idol" Kiss came out on stage and Gene Simmons yelled to the contestants;

"You punks get off my lawn."



Since you asked:

As tragic as what happened to James Harrison's son is, is anyone surprised? That is the second tragedy. Why would you needlessly put a child in that position? Are we so overly entitled now that our desire to own a big tough gang-like street-cred scary dog takes priority over the health of an innocent child?

Dogs do what they are trained and bred to do. When our Labradors get scared or nervous around a stranger or a loud noise, they put something in their mouths, a tennis ball, a chew toy, anything, to reassure themselves because that is what Labrador retrievers have been bred to do for over a hundred years.

When a pit bull, no matter how previously sweet and gentle, gets scared or nervous or angry or hungry or tired or hurt, it will attack, bite and not let go because that is what it has been bred to do. Attacking and biting ruthlessly is what reassures a pit bull.

Maybe a pit bull will go it's entire life without snapping and instinctively killing someone or something. Is that a chance anyone with any brains would ever take? Maybe a live torpedo won't explode if hit, but that doesn't mean you put one in your living room.

The best, sweetest and kindest intentions in the world cannot override a powerful and natural instinct. Neither can all the training in the world. A dog comes hard wired with it's instincts already installed in its brain. That is how a dog can dream of chasing a rabbit before it has ever seen a rabbit. (Don't ask me how scientists know that, they just do)

The first time I let Kasey retrieve a ball in the ocean she scared me to death because she took off at a 20 degree wrong angle south, away from the ball. What she knew, and I didn't, was that was exactly the place she needed to be because the current drifted the ball south right when she got there. That is in the breeding. Believe me, I could not teach her that if I wanted to. Her ability to feel and automatically react to the current to retrieve a floating object is as real as her webbed-for-swimming paws.

That is how it is with pit bulls and biting and killing. Anyone who says it is not the dog but how the dog is treated is simply arrogant about their ignorance. How many more children, like James Harrison's son, have to be physically and psychologically scarred for life until they realize that pit bulls are killing machines that should not be legal pets?

If you don't agree, do not e-mail me. Owning a pit bull is an IQ test. If you have one you've failed.