We getting’ real real fast up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugger Ranchers
Just like it
As far as claiming victory for the democrats, Hillary Clinton told Barack Obama: “Not so fast.” Wow, they bicker all the time and now she is telling him not so fast? It’s like they’re married.
Tough times
You can tell Hillary Clinton’s campaign is in tough financial times; Hillary has gone from wearing silk pants suits, to wool, then cotton and now Hillary is reduced to wearing reversible polyester pants suits.
Not nice
Charles Barkley barely escaped criminal chargers over a gambling debt of $400,000; In retrospect, Barkley says, even though he is fond of the Royal Family, it was a mistake to put so much money on Camille Parker Bowles to win the Kentucky Derby.
We kid and like the Ellen
Ellen Degeneres is engaged to her girlfriend Portia de Rossi; anyone interested in getting the couple a wedding gift, they are registered at “Bed, Bath and Strap-on.”
I, uh, I did not know that
Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown won the Preakness and hopes to win the Triple Crown; the Triple Crown hasn’t been won since Affirmed in 1978. Affirmed retired to stud and, according to her autobiography, “Audition” Affirmed secretly dated Barbara Walters for two years.
Kinda do
New York Yankee Jason Giambi admitted he wears a gold lame leopard thong to break hitting slumps. Suddenly I long for the days when players ended slumps by putting needles on their butts.
Charles Not To Charge
Charles Barkley barely escaped criminal chargers over a gambling debt of $400,000; Barkley vows he will never gamble again, but I don’t think he gets it. Barkley is giving three-to-one odds that he won’t ever gamble again.
Again, not nice
In his trip to Egypt, President Bush rode a camel; It was a little awkward when onlookers shouted “Hey, look at the hump. And he is riding a camel.”
Overheard
Some bad news for Hillary, while campaigning at a Kentucky thoroughbred farm, she was overheard asking the owner; “So how much to make Bill a gelding?”
Nice moment
Cancer survivor, Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester pitched a no-hitter in a 7-0 win against the Kansas City Royals. It was an emotional moment in Boston, even New England Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick had a tear in his eye, but it turns out that was from bumping into his video camera.
The good ol’ baseball way
New York Yankee Jason Giambi admitted he wears a gold-lame tiger thong to break out of a hitting slump. That is disgusting, sick and perverted, Giambi should break a slump the traditional major league way: by having sex with a really fat and ugly woman.
When did they get on?
The Supreme Court upheld a strict federal law that makes it a crime to send messages over the computer that offer child pornography. The ruling was 7-2. Here is my question: who were the two opposed? Since when are R. Kelley and Michael Jackson on the Supreme Court?
That’s the ticket
A video has surfaced that appears to show a 23-year-old Angelina Jolie in a drug den talking about enjoying bi-sexual sado-masochistic sex. Or as I call it, my ticket to clean prostate health for the week.
Since you asked:
It is confession time. It would appear that I am not quite as young and fit as I like to think I am.
Nor, apparently, do I look it.
My daughter’s soccer team is lucky enough to have a Dad who is an elite athlete trainer, Paul Wright - who played professional soccer in Europe and the United States – who is the owner and founder of “Speed to Burn” a fitness company that specializes in improving overall balance, speed and endurance.
One of the moms on the team – one of the younger and fitter moms I might add – got the bright idea to have one of the ‘STB” instructors give a class once a week to the parents. Granted it is dialed for fitness more than any speed as we are pretty much all into tendon-tearing age.
So they hold the first class during our girl’s soccer practice so I stick around to watch. They do some agility drills, a few jump ropes, that hippy-hoping, steppy-step rope-ladder-on-the-ground thing and a few sit ups. Big deal? Some hopping and lying on the grass. I can do that, so I decide to do it this week.
So we do a lap around this park, maybe a quarter mile, to warm up. Then we stretch. Then she breaks out the little that hippy-hopping, steppy-step rope-ladder-on-the-ground thing. Ahh isn’t that precious? We have a widdle bitty ladder. We can play fireman. Sheesh. You got a real athlete over here, for crying-out-loud. I've helicopter skied in the Canadian Rockies, I've jumped and rode waves windsurfing in Maui, I've done many mini-triathlons. Don't bring these cheesy ladder toys in my house.
Two steps per rung all the way through. Easy, right? Wait. Why are my calves so tired? We do one step in each rung two outside. Now why are my thighs so tired? Three outside the rung, one inside, three outside. Wait. Now why am I breathing so hard?
This frickin’ rope ladder step thing was about ten times harder than I thought and waxed my six. Plus we only had half as many people this time as the first time so there was no waiting in line like the first week.
No lie, after the very first drill, I thought I was toast. I was gassed. I am screwed.
Then she set up an obstacle type course where we had bound on rubber platforms, dodge cones and do five burpies at the end. Burpies suck. Burpies are when you touch the ground and then jump up in the air. Sounds easy, right? Try it after running through and obstacle course. Now do that ten times in a row.
Then it is jump rope drills, which I am proud to say I did pretty well. Then over to a wall for more hopping and chairs. A chair is when you lean against the wall with your knees bent at a 90 degree angle as if you’re sitting on a chair, but you are not. Thighs be burnin’.
Finally it was sit up time. Can you imagine that? Being so gassed and tired that you’re looking forward to doing sit ups? Well I was and I did. And I am proud to say I did the abdominal work pretty well. Even the plank. The plank is when you get in the push up position but on your elbows and forearms instead of your palms and you hold it for a minute. Go ahead. Try it. See? Now imagine it after all that other crap.
Made it. Yes I am tired, yes I am sweaty, yes I am gassed, but I did it.
Not quite, the instructor told us to run three laps. What? My legs are shot. Now I can run an easy three to five miles without too much of a problem, but now my legs are shot. But because I am an idiot and I think I am 25, I decide to run with whoever is in front.
Big mistake. The woman in front is Audrey, a very nice, very pretty but ridiculously fit woman of about, oh, maybe 32. I am not pretty and I am not a ridiculously fit woman and I am really not 32, and, right now, I am also not feeling very nice.
But I hang with her as she is easily making conversation which I turn in the direction of finding out how much this work-out animal runs. Oh, about three or four miles a day. Turns out she and some of her girlfriends have a little running group that meets on Sundays for a “fun eight mile run.” Before this I didn’t know the words fun and eight mile run could go together.
One lap to go and I have to start coming up with mental tricks to keep going. The genius trick I pick? Well, at least I can’t feel much worse. Don’t ever say something can’t get worse, Slats and Nugs, because, if you do, it can and it will.
At what I thought prior to this was my worst moment, as sweetly as she can, Audrey turns to me and nicely says; “Your daughter, Ann Caroline, is so fast.” Now I feel proud and a little bit better, and I am positive that she didn’t mean it this way, but, she then turned and looked at me and said;
“Where does she get it from?”
Oh, the humanity.
It took every ounce of energy I had not only to finish that lap but also to keep from getting all Al Bundy on her ass;
“Why, I’ll have you know I once scored 22 touchdowns in one high school football season, ran a 4.5 forty and was the youngest by two years to qualify for the 19-and-under National Decathlon Championship where I broke 6,000 points at age 16.”
Cue: “Glory Days.”
Nope, I had to tell myself, Lex, you are not 21 and living in Santa Barbara working out or windsurfing four hours every day. No, you’re in your forties – hey, it’s still true for a couple of months, so I am going to say it – and way, way too many cheeseburgers and bottles of cheap California wine and Kettle One vodka have slipped in you for you to deserve to feel the outrage that you feel.
But that didn’t mean I didn’t feel it anyway.
Just like it
As far as claiming victory for the democrats, Hillary Clinton told Barack Obama: “Not so fast.” Wow, they bicker all the time and now she is telling him not so fast? It’s like they’re married.
Tough times
You can tell Hillary Clinton’s campaign is in tough financial times; Hillary has gone from wearing silk pants suits, to wool, then cotton and now Hillary is reduced to wearing reversible polyester pants suits.
Not nice
Charles Barkley barely escaped criminal chargers over a gambling debt of $400,000; In retrospect, Barkley says, even though he is fond of the Royal Family, it was a mistake to put so much money on Camille Parker Bowles to win the Kentucky Derby.
We kid and like the Ellen
Ellen Degeneres is engaged to her girlfriend Portia de Rossi; anyone interested in getting the couple a wedding gift, they are registered at “Bed, Bath and Strap-on.”
I, uh, I did not know that
Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown won the Preakness and hopes to win the Triple Crown; the Triple Crown hasn’t been won since Affirmed in 1978. Affirmed retired to stud and, according to her autobiography, “Audition” Affirmed secretly dated Barbara Walters for two years.
Kinda do
New York Yankee Jason Giambi admitted he wears a gold lame leopard thong to break hitting slumps. Suddenly I long for the days when players ended slumps by putting needles on their butts.
Charles Not To Charge
Charles Barkley barely escaped criminal chargers over a gambling debt of $400,000; Barkley vows he will never gamble again, but I don’t think he gets it. Barkley is giving three-to-one odds that he won’t ever gamble again.
Again, not nice
In his trip to Egypt, President Bush rode a camel; It was a little awkward when onlookers shouted “Hey, look at the hump. And he is riding a camel.”
Overheard
Some bad news for Hillary, while campaigning at a Kentucky thoroughbred farm, she was overheard asking the owner; “So how much to make Bill a gelding?”
Nice moment
Cancer survivor, Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester pitched a no-hitter in a 7-0 win against the Kansas City Royals. It was an emotional moment in Boston, even New England Patriot’s coach Bill Belichick had a tear in his eye, but it turns out that was from bumping into his video camera.
The good ol’ baseball way
New York Yankee Jason Giambi admitted he wears a gold-lame tiger thong to break out of a hitting slump. That is disgusting, sick and perverted, Giambi should break a slump the traditional major league way: by having sex with a really fat and ugly woman.
When did they get on?
The Supreme Court upheld a strict federal law that makes it a crime to send messages over the computer that offer child pornography. The ruling was 7-2. Here is my question: who were the two opposed? Since when are R. Kelley and Michael Jackson on the Supreme Court?
That’s the ticket
A video has surfaced that appears to show a 23-year-old Angelina Jolie in a drug den talking about enjoying bi-sexual sado-masochistic sex. Or as I call it, my ticket to clean prostate health for the week.
Since you asked:
It is confession time. It would appear that I am not quite as young and fit as I like to think I am.
Nor, apparently, do I look it.
My daughter’s soccer team is lucky enough to have a Dad who is an elite athlete trainer, Paul Wright - who played professional soccer in Europe and the United States – who is the owner and founder of “Speed to Burn” a fitness company that specializes in improving overall balance, speed and endurance.
One of the moms on the team – one of the younger and fitter moms I might add – got the bright idea to have one of the ‘STB” instructors give a class once a week to the parents. Granted it is dialed for fitness more than any speed as we are pretty much all into tendon-tearing age.
So they hold the first class during our girl’s soccer practice so I stick around to watch. They do some agility drills, a few jump ropes, that hippy-hoping, steppy-step rope-ladder-on-the-ground thing and a few sit ups. Big deal? Some hopping and lying on the grass. I can do that, so I decide to do it this week.
So we do a lap around this park, maybe a quarter mile, to warm up. Then we stretch. Then she breaks out the little that hippy-hopping, steppy-step rope-ladder-on-the-ground thing. Ahh isn’t that precious? We have a widdle bitty ladder. We can play fireman. Sheesh. You got a real athlete over here, for crying-out-loud. I've helicopter skied in the Canadian Rockies, I've jumped and rode waves windsurfing in Maui, I've done many mini-triathlons. Don't bring these cheesy ladder toys in my house.
Two steps per rung all the way through. Easy, right? Wait. Why are my calves so tired? We do one step in each rung two outside. Now why are my thighs so tired? Three outside the rung, one inside, three outside. Wait. Now why am I breathing so hard?
This frickin’ rope ladder step thing was about ten times harder than I thought and waxed my six. Plus we only had half as many people this time as the first time so there was no waiting in line like the first week.
No lie, after the very first drill, I thought I was toast. I was gassed. I am screwed.
Then she set up an obstacle type course where we had bound on rubber platforms, dodge cones and do five burpies at the end. Burpies suck. Burpies are when you touch the ground and then jump up in the air. Sounds easy, right? Try it after running through and obstacle course. Now do that ten times in a row.
Then it is jump rope drills, which I am proud to say I did pretty well. Then over to a wall for more hopping and chairs. A chair is when you lean against the wall with your knees bent at a 90 degree angle as if you’re sitting on a chair, but you are not. Thighs be burnin’.
Finally it was sit up time. Can you imagine that? Being so gassed and tired that you’re looking forward to doing sit ups? Well I was and I did. And I am proud to say I did the abdominal work pretty well. Even the plank. The plank is when you get in the push up position but on your elbows and forearms instead of your palms and you hold it for a minute. Go ahead. Try it. See? Now imagine it after all that other crap.
Made it. Yes I am tired, yes I am sweaty, yes I am gassed, but I did it.
Not quite, the instructor told us to run three laps. What? My legs are shot. Now I can run an easy three to five miles without too much of a problem, but now my legs are shot. But because I am an idiot and I think I am 25, I decide to run with whoever is in front.
Big mistake. The woman in front is Audrey, a very nice, very pretty but ridiculously fit woman of about, oh, maybe 32. I am not pretty and I am not a ridiculously fit woman and I am really not 32, and, right now, I am also not feeling very nice.
But I hang with her as she is easily making conversation which I turn in the direction of finding out how much this work-out animal runs. Oh, about three or four miles a day. Turns out she and some of her girlfriends have a little running group that meets on Sundays for a “fun eight mile run.” Before this I didn’t know the words fun and eight mile run could go together.
One lap to go and I have to start coming up with mental tricks to keep going. The genius trick I pick? Well, at least I can’t feel much worse. Don’t ever say something can’t get worse, Slats and Nugs, because, if you do, it can and it will.
At what I thought prior to this was my worst moment, as sweetly as she can, Audrey turns to me and nicely says; “Your daughter, Ann Caroline, is so fast.” Now I feel proud and a little bit better, and I am positive that she didn’t mean it this way, but, she then turned and looked at me and said;
“Where does she get it from?”
Oh, the humanity.
It took every ounce of energy I had not only to finish that lap but also to keep from getting all Al Bundy on her ass;
“Why, I’ll have you know I once scored 22 touchdowns in one high school football season, ran a 4.5 forty and was the youngest by two years to qualify for the 19-and-under National Decathlon Championship where I broke 6,000 points at age 16.”
Cue: “Glory Days.”
Nope, I had to tell myself, Lex, you are not 21 and living in Santa Barbara working out or windsurfing four hours every day. No, you’re in your forties – hey, it’s still true for a couple of months, so I am going to say it – and way, way too many cheeseburgers and bottles of cheap California wine and Kettle One vodka have slipped in you for you to deserve to feel the outrage that you feel.
But that didn’t mean I didn’t feel it anyway.
posted by Alex at
12:51 PM
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