*Stay on the top side, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Then it’s OK
A New York politician has proposed a bill that would ban the use of the word bitch; the word bitch could only be used in special specific circumstances like describing a mother dog or Hillary Clinton.

Yikes
A woman in Arkansas just had her 17th child. In addition, her uterus has been converted into a Chucky Cheese.

What are the odds?
Los Angeles Police are investigating charges of sexual assault at a party at the Playboy mansion; that’s like investigating charges of femininity at a Clay Aiken concert.

That’s hot
It’s been hot. Back East people are sweating like a physician trying to find Barry Bonds’s shrunken testicles for the turn-and-cough test.

Makes sense
DNA evidence reveals late great singer James Brown is the father of two more kids out of wedlock; as a result, Brown was posthumously named an honorary member of the NBA.

Good news, bad news
Britney Spears had a fender bender in a parking lot. The good news is her kids weren’t in the car. The bad news is the kids weren’t in the car because Britney forgot them at the liquor store and drove off without them.

Stage four
Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship in brutally hot and humid weather in Tulsa; it was so hot and humid authorities identified tropical storm Gertie forming inside John Daly’s pants.


*This is the sum total of the technical advise I got from the guy I rented a stand up paddle board the first time I went to take it in the ocean's surf.