Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Snaps it back and hold it, baby one more time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Yankee Geezer
The New York Yankees signed 45-year-old pitcher, Roger Clemens, for $28 million. Clemens is older, so the Yankees gave him concessions: no pitching when “Matlock” is on, the pre-game spread is replaced with the early bird special and he gets to drive his Rascal scooter the mound.

Say what? Rollercoaster
It’s prom time. Things are different from when I was a kid. Now the boys rent limos, take their date to dinner, the proms are held in luxury ballrooms. And also the boys have a much better chance of getting lucky then we did, depending on which teacher they asked out.

Legislators in New York want to make a license mandatory for strippers including forming a task force that will enforce this law. In a related story, Bill Clinton pulled both of his hamstring muscles sprinting to apply for the head stripper task force job.

I, uh, I did not know that (my best Johnny the C.)
Several hundred people ate nearly 100 pounds of fried lamb, sheep and bull testicles at the annual Testicle Festival in Elderon, Wisconsin. Elderon is an old Fox Indian word that means: Hillary.

That’s, uh, that’s a true story (Again with the King)
A cruise ship ran aground in Alaska. What happened was, after the midnight buffet, the passengers weighed so much, the hull sank down and hit the bottom.

That’s, uh, that’s good stuff (The Great Carsoni)
A first class stamp has gone up two cents to 41 cents. To put that in perspective, it is still cheaper to cover your car with stamps and mail it someplace than it is to fill it up with gas and drive there.

Oh no he di’ . . . ‘nt
Paris Hilton is facing 45-days of jail; did you know they have a new name for what Paris is: a celeb-utante, half celebrity half debutante. That’s better than Paris’s other name: Prosti-skank.

Oh yes I di’ . . .’id
Scientists in Wisconsin have developed a cap that gives the equivalent of 8 hours sleep in 3 hours. It works by slowing your brain waves to their lowest level. The only problem is once they slow your brain to its lowest level, you get an incredible urge to marry and divorce Britney Spears.

On a Hamas kids TV show they use a Mickey Mouse-like character to preach hatred against Israel and the United States. “M-I-C, see you at the Jihad, K-E-Y Why? Because we hate the infidels. M-O-U-S-E.”

On a Hamas kids TV show they use a Mickey Mouse-like character to preach hatred against Israel and the United States. This was following their first character, Blow Me Up Elmo.