Monday, April 11, 2005

Oh yes, we back. Oh, we backer than a mofizzle my sistizzles and brothizzles, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The ol' Golden Bear
Well, it was an emotional weekend for the aging, lumbering Golden Bear. But enough about Camilla Parker Bowles, golf-legend Jack Nicklaus retired from the Masters.

Why? Why so mean? No need. No need. Bad Lexter
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles honeymooned in the Scotland highlands. Prince Charles didn’t want to honeymoon at the beach; he was afraid the cats might bury Camilla in the sand.

Hate to see that. Get it? See that? Oh, I kill me . . .
The winner of Wisconsin’s Ms. Wheel chair lost her title because a newspaper photo shows her standing up. That’s not all, Ms. Blind Wisconsin was caught watching an old “Hee Haw” rerun.

Point of clarification
Last weekend, the Pope was buried and Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles were wed. In case you were flipping channels back and forth and got confused, the Pope was the one that wasn’t moving.

You know what they call the morning after Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles’s honeymoon? “Dawn of the Living Dead.”

Did you know what they call the honeymoon video of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles? “CSI: Windsor.”

Montanans Advocating Drunk Driving
Montana just passed a ban on drinking and driving. The Montana house passed the ban on drinking and driving 76-21. The 21 didn’t mean to vote against it, but they were really drunk at the time.

Sweet revenge
A North Carolina man was sentenced to nine years in prison for junk e-mail spamming. Once he gets to prison, boy, is he going to be sorry he pushed those penis enlargement and Viagra pills.

Wendy’s gone digital
That California woman who claimed to find a finger in her Wendy’s chili turns out to have a history of frivolous law suits. Wendy’s executives suspected this woman was a phony, but they just couldn’t put their finger on it.

They did a DNA test on the Wendy’s chili finger and guess what? It belongs to Ted Williams.

This Wendy’s finger chili scandal has gotten out of hand. Today Mike Tyson went to Wendy’s and ordered a bowl of ear chowder.

Buy me some steroids and growth hormone, I don’t care if my nuts turn to stone
Baseball has started sans steroids. Now if you want dangerous, unhealthy chemicals at a baseball game you’ll have to get them the old fashioned way: in the hotdogs.

They are serious about the baseball steroid ban. At a game, I went to get a hotdog and it wasn’t any bigger than a tiny cocktail wiener.

You can tell the steroid ban is working in baseball; all the players need smaller hats and bigger cups.

Where do I get this stuff?
Interest in the U.S. over the Prince Charles/Camilla Parker Bowels wedding was low. Some cite the fact she isn’t royalty, some disapprove because she was his mistress, others cite the fact that the couple looks like two retired professional bowlers in drag.

Golf dirt
In two of Masters green jacket ceremonies, Tiger Woods refused to acknowledge last year’s winner Phil Mickelson. Their relationship soured when Tiger learned Phil planned to hire a hit man to whack Tiger’s knee.

The main difference between Tiger Woods’s winning Masters putt and last year’s winner Phil Mickelson’s winning putt? Tiger jumped higher than Phil did, and Tiger didn’t even jump.

She put the special in special ed
In Nevada, a special education teacher was arrested for suspicion of flashing her breasts to students and possessing marijuana. A female teacher who flashes and smokes pot? Now that's what I call special education.

Several students complained that she flashed her breasts. You know what you call a male student that complains when a teacher flashes her breasts? A drama major.

Me included
Anna Nicole Smith is a writer for “The National Enquirer.” Repeat, Anna Nicole Smith is getting paid by a national magazine for writing a column. In a related story, 140,000 aspiring writers have now been put on suicide watch.

Back to golf dirt
In an article about the spats and cliques in golf between top players Phil Mickelson, Tiger Woods and Vijay Singh, “Time” magazine said the P.G.A. was like a school lunch room on tour. So, apparently the PGA also has hair in their meatloaf.

How . . . snowy . . . was it?
Colorado got hit by a blizzard. To give you an idea how bad it is, in Boulder, it is so snowy the police have an excuse for not solving any crimes.

Since you asked:

Epic trip to Mammoth with la famalia, Slatteens and Nuggies. (Well, not all the family, the beasts had a dog sitter)

You cannot believe the historic amount of snow in the Easter Sierras. Hell, I felt like eating the Donner party. Took a boarding lesson from an Aussie named Mike. He taught me to roll the board over in the turns allowing it to carve it better.

But then I had my snowboarding epiphany. I left my hard boots and narrow carving board home and rented a more regular “soft” setup. Oh . . . my . . . god. It was like going from trying to paddle a razor thin canoe in the rapids to driving a cigarette boat on the bay. Flying. Turning. Carving.

With the new Village, the town gondola and new and faster chairs, Mammoth is really an epic ski resort that still a lot of people outside of California don’t appreciate. Only Park City, Utah would rank higher in my mind and that is only if they have a ton of snow.

On the way up we tried to get Ann Caroline to pronounce condominium, but it just didn’t come out right. Condonimuium. That’s OK, I told her the president can’t say it either.

One early evening, fueled by Apres boarding Jagermiester and wine, I took my daughter to the huge outdoor pool and Jacuzzi at the resort. I showed her how to deal with having a cold. Hot water, cold pool, and then a roll in the snow. Repeat. Of course, being a six-year-old girl, she was way too smart to roll in the snow. She was, however, impressed by her insane father.

For some reason the next day my cold was worse. Repeat after me: I’m not a smart man.