Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Loopy, loopy, loopy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And Euro Disney ain't doin' so hot neither
They still haven’t worked out all the kinks at the one Paris only Starbucks. Today a German tourist ordered a latte with three shots and five employees surrendered.

Maybe they're not doing that great after all
The C.I.A. proudly announced they have become more efficient, more technologically up-to-date and better informed. When President Bush offered to send the C.I.A. a congratulatory e-mail on their progress, the C.I.A. asked; “What’s an e-mail?”

Oops, she did it again
Britney Spears is pregnant. It’s kind of cute, Britney has been going to Lamaze class where she’s learning to lip-synch her breathing technique.

Losers by any other name
Today the City of Los Angeles decided to call the Los Angeles Lakers the Anaheim Lakers but Anaheim refused to accept them.

The Anaheim Angels are now called the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. And, after this season, the Los Angeles Lakers are the Los Angeles Lakers of Mayhem.

Scrap Iron Mike

In announcing his next fight, Mike Tyson said he is going to cause a train wreck. What’s he talking about? At $38 million in debt, Tyson can’t even afford to take a bus.

Since you asked:
I got a sinus infection that makes me sound like Whitney Houston after New Year’s Eve.
As this is the rant portion of our entry, let me just say that political correctness is like the padded outfield walls at most major league parks. (OK, I know your head feels like an alien is about to burst out and hiss at everyone and then scamper away, but I think you’ve lost it)

No, inner tirade, stay with me.

Someone decided that those outfield walls are hard and players that run into them could get hurt. They had the brainstorm: I know. Why don’t we pad the outfield walls to protect our players and keep them safe? It was done with the best intentions. What happens? Players know the walls are padded, run full speed into them and then get seriously career-ending hurt. (Case in point, the Padres Eric Young) Where doesn’t that ever happen? Wrigley Field. Why? Because the walls aren’t padded, they are the naked truth of solid brick merely made pretty with vines. Sure, those red brick vine covered walls are pretty, but if the players try to mess with them and run full speed into them, they’ll be crushed, so they don’t run into them and they don’t get hurt.

When we try to pad our words and protect people from the truth with political correctness, they just come back a lot harder and then get really hurt. If they know they’re not protected in the first place, they won’t.

No, that’s OK, no need for applause. That’s why I’m here, Slats and Nugs, that’s why I’m here.

So, when the Vatican calls, I don’t want a lot of P.C. glossing over and sparing of my feelings, ala Paula Abdul on “American Idol.” Give it to me Simon Cowell and Wrigley Field walls-like: If I don’t get the job tell me I don’t get the job.

Pope Lex. Dammit, it would have had such a nice ring to it. Oh well. Facts are facts, the white smoke probably won’t be blowing for your ol’ buddy Lex, Slats and Nuggies. The white smoke . . . will not . . . be blowing . . . for your ol’ buddy Lex.

(Heh, heh, he said “be blowing”)

Where is that Sudafed?