Thursday, May 02, 2002

Nehaw, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

More stuff is coming out on the guy in the show “The Bachelor” It turns out he had a reason for not proposing to the winner: His Priest is jealous.

An anonymous source who works with Madonna said the reason Madonna’s London play was delayed was that, quote “The statue of Liberty is capable of more facial expressions than Madonna.” Meeoww. The other difference, of course, is that less people have been in the Statue of Liberty.

Bill Clinton has talked with NBC executives about becoming the host of his own daytime TV talk show. I am not sure this is a good idea for booking guests. Between Clinton and Jerry Springer, is there really enough trailer trash to go around?

By implanting electrodes in rats' brains, scientists can control the rats and use them – with the help of a tiny camera - to find people trapped in rubble. Imagine that, rats with a job. Well, besides attorneys.

A photo in the New York Post revealed Britney Spears smoking on her Australian hotel balcony. So what’s the big deal? A lot of people like to enjoy a smoke after not having sex.

The New York Times reports that marijuana is 10 to 20 times stronger than it was in the sixties. And in related story, business is up 10 to 20 times at the New York Times’ vending machines.I know I’m out of touch, but I take it people no longer have to buy their pot by the hefty bag?

Rosie O’Donnell’s gal pal may be pregnant. I suspect the father is David Crosby again. They announced that this summer there’ll be a tour by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young’in. As you probably remember, Rosie O’Donnell is the winner of this year’s Ellen DeGeneris’ “OK, You’re Gay, We Got it” award.

Anna Kournikova is suing Penthouse magazine, claiming those topless pictures weren't actually her. Can you imagine if this goes to trial? “Your honor, we’d like to exam the evidence one more time.”

That is going on in the Middle East? A gun fight in the Church of Nativity in Bethlehem? Are you kidding? That’s like hearing that there was a drive-bye shooting at the House at Pooh Corner.

Police now say the gun used in the Robert Blake case was a WWII pistol. Aren’t we all glad it wasn’t a Beretta? That would have been the most ironic L.A. celebrity murder fact since the song “Backstabber” was by the O.J.’s

A French activist was partially responsible for negotiating Yassar Arafat’s release deal. What happens when you cross a French guy with a Palestinian? You get a suicide bomber who surrenders to himself.

After a month under siege Yassar Arafat left his office under a U.S.-brokered deal. Actually we didn’t broker the deal, he was voted out of the compound by an alliance by the Maaramu tribe.

Robert Blake told the judge that he is so severely dyslexic he would not be able to read the legal documents in his case. He is so dyslexic, his real name is actually Blake Roberts.

It’s official, Los Angeles is the smoggiest city in the country. This air quality report was brought to you by the Center For Masters of the Obvious.

A man in Idaho is facing jail for running his truck into a hair salon after getting upset over a haircut he received there. How bad does a barber have to be to mess up a Mullet? He didn’t mean to crash his truck into the salon, but they screwed up his mullet and got it backwards, long in front, short in back. The guy couldn’t see.

Outside San Diego, a woman vice principal launched a thong check at a high school dance, lifting up girls skirts and sent home any girl wearing a thong. The good news for all the girls who got sent home is that they now have dates lined up through the end of the summer. How do I apply for the job of thong-checker?