Wednesday, March 13, 2002

Darryl Strawberry was kicked out of a drug-treatment center for breaking a sex ban with a female patient. When it came to this re-hab program, Darryl just couldn’t get over the hump.

You will never guess what I saw on exhibit at the Getty Conservation Institute: The world’s oldest picture. It is over 176 years old. I tell you, that Cher was one cute baby.

Now that the Taliban is gone, the arts are flourishing in Afghanistan. Today a play opened up in Kabul based on “Camelot.” It’s called; “Lot of Camels.”

David Letterman is staying at CBS, which now stand for Cranky Boy Stays.

The new artistic freedom in Afghanistan hasn’t been all smooth. In Kabul they re-made the old TV show “It Takes a Thief” but when the script called for the actor to steal something, they cut off his hand.

Speaking of cut and stealing: Rueben Rivera was cut by the New York Yankees after stealing a bat and glove from teammate Derek Jeter's locker to sell to a memorabilia dealer. Apparently Rivera misunderstood when they told him they wanted to see more steals from him this year. Today it was discovered Rivera tried to place Jeter’s finger prints on the bat to make it look like Jeter did it himself. What an idiot. In baseball you are supposed to rob the other team with your glove, not rob the gloves from your team.

Rivera was labeled as a five-tool baseball player. It turns out one of those tools is a lock-pick. Rivera blamed the theft on the Yankees third base coach. He claims he gave him the steal sign.

Rumor has it Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have broken up. For those of you interested in possibly catching either one on the rebound, please call 1-800 0 Chance. Britney decided it’s time they should start not sleeping with other people.It was kind of embarrassing. Britney caught Justin cheating on her with a Hotel in-room movie. Supposedly they’ve never had sex. The closest they ever came was when he was alone in her bathroom. Let’s just say he left it N’ the Sink.

Tonight was the big fight, Tonya Harding vs. Paula Jones. It was sort of embarrassing, as soon as the bell sounded, they came out and, out of habit, they both flopped right on to their backs.

There was a lot of bad-mouthing. From round one on they were both talkin’ trailer trash.

This is a fight where there really were no winners.

It wasn’t easy staging this thing. At first they tried to have the fight in a round boxing ring. You should have seen the confusion when the referee told them to return to their corner. After the fight, the referee held up the winner's hand and declared; “The winner and still tramp, I mean champ . . .”

Researchers report that heavy, chronic marijuana users suffer memory loss and attention problems that can effect learning and cause apathy. Frankly I don't know and I don't care.

Sports Illustrated went from a scantily clad supermodel on the cover of its swimsuit edition, to a scantily clad, sweaty Charles Barkley on the next cover. That’s like going from filet mignon to dog food.

After his limo driver was fatally shot, prosecutors say ex-NBA star Jayson Williams wiped his fingerprints off the shotgun and positioned it to make it look like a suicide. Even O.J. is wondering what this guy was thinking.After hearing this, O.J. Simpson said; “Yeah, that’s it. Ron and Nicole killed themselves in a joint suicide pact.”

A University of Memphis study will see if mice will turn to alcohol to take the edge off their stress. Maybe I missed something, but are stressed out mice really a big problem in our society? What’s next, drugs for rats suffering from sewer related burn-out?

Domestic security chief Tom Ridge unveiled a color-coded terrorism warning system. The lowest-status warning is green which means safe, the next, blue, is less safe, then yellow which is unsafe, then orange which is very unsafe and then red which basically means you better start reading up on the Koran. Right now we are in sort of a light sienna. What is this, national security or Geranimals?

Some people who have seen the video tape of Winona Ryder’s famous shopping spree say the tape shows she is innocent of theft. If she is innocent, than we will have to retract every joke we told about Winona. Forget that, Winona, why don’t you just take my salary for a month and we’ll call it even.

Duke guard Jason Williams was elected to the AP All American team. This Jason Williams is no relation to the Jayson Williams who shot the limo driver, but good luck getting a cab with that name. Cab dispatcher: “Yeah, we got this basketball player named Jason Williams needs to be picked up at the arena. Hello? Anyone?”

Have you been following this latest “Survivor”? I am pretty sure I am in love with this Gina. The woman was the national watermelon seed spitting champion. Sure, she may be a spitter, but she’s a damn good spitter.