Tuesday, April 30, 2002

Hello all Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Hard to believe, but it’s been a year since Washington Intern Chandra Levy was reported missing. When asked to comment, all former Congressman Gary Condit would say is; “Do you want fries with that?”

Bill Clinton is looking for an apartment in Manhattan. Clinton is looking to save money. At those Times Square Hotels the twenty bucks-an-hour adds up fast.

Barney Reed Jr., a table tennis player, was suspended for two years for testing positive for anabolic steroids. The steroids weren’t for performance enhancement, the guy just wanted to look buffed for all those table tennis groupies.

On this date on 1945, Adolf Hitler committed suicide along with his wife of one day, Eva Braun. A lot of people don’t know this, but initially, Hitler asked his bodyguards to do it for him.

Topless photos of Anna Kournikova appearing in the June issue of Penthouse magazine are fake, say representatives of the Russian tennis player. So, for now, Anna will only pose as a tennis player.

Over 450 airport workers have been arrested on a sweep of 15 airports. It was wild, the police held a surprise raid, they burst into the airports, shook the airport workers awake, and arrested them.

Burger King has a promotion that, if you cluck like a chicken, you get 50 cents off of their chicken whopper. And in Portland, you get another 50 cents off if you choke on it like a Blazer.

There was an embarrassing moment when "The Bachelor" went on his first date with the woman that won on the show. They were in bed and he forgot her name, and screamed out her number; “Oh, 25, yes, 25, do it, 25.”

Some sad news, the woman who created Barbie, Ruth Handler, died, she was 85. There was an awkward scene at the funeral. Ken flew into a jealous rage when G.I. Joe came to pay his respects.

They have discovered that the murder weapon in the Robert Blake case was a vintage World War II hand gun. Police have put out an A.P.B. for Sergeant Schultz.

Police are currently searching for Private Ryan.

Two congressional panels on transportation want to arm airline pilots. I think that’s a good idea. But why stop there? They should also give guns to the flight attendants. You’ll see those cell phones off and those trey tables stowed and locked in their full-upright position, I can tell you.

I saw the 500th episode of “Cops.” It was the 2,000th person apprehended and, according to the arrestees, the 2000th innocent victim who didn’t do anything wrong.I love these guys on “Cops” “I didn’t dooooooo nothin’, I shwear. ’” The other person’s lying there all beat-up and bloody.

Twenty-six Palestinians left the Church of the Nativity, the largest number to exit the besieged compound since a standoff began nearly a month ago. That’s the good news. The bad news? They all said that the priest at the Church molested them.

After whittling down to 25 girls, and all that hype, “The Bachelor” guy didn’t even propose. Turns out he has his reasons. He wants to hold out until bachelorette #69.

Sports Illustrated columnist Rick Reilly wrote a column decrying stadium luxury boxes, and I agree. I was in a corporate luxury box for a San Diego Chargers game, and I was about as close to the game as a computer nerd is to Anna Kournakova seeing her on the Internet.