Wednesday, January 31, 2018

A wittier mind than mine came up with the name ChapStickaquiddick. Good speech, but, damn, Marilyn Monroe did not leave the White House with that much goop on her face.  

Who doesn't like corn-juice, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

No train passengers were seriously hurt, but a group of congressmen were in a train wreck that hit a garbage truck. “There. Can I make my point any clearer?” Asked god. 

Country singer, Reba McEntire has been selected to play Col. Sanders. And Chris Christie has been selected to play the Chick-fil-A cow.  

Donald Trump revealed he Tweets in bed. So we can add tweeting to eating cheeseburgers and watching TV to the growing list of things Trump does in bed besides Melania.

The Democratic response to Donald Trump’s State of the Union speech was given by Mass. congressman, Joseph Kennedy III. “Dynamic.” said one review. “Prince Camelot,” said another. “What is that stuff on the side of his mouth?” Asked everyone else.

Twitter blew up on the fact Donald Trump and Melania arrived at the State of the Union speech in different limos. Suddenly the First Couple are bickering rock stars.

Luckily none of the congressmen on the train were seriously hurt. Many of the congressional train wreck victims were treated, however, for a serious case of an ironic metaphor.

NASA has announced they plan to probe Uranus for gas. They’re going to avoid those sh*thole planets, Venus and Mars.

Harvey Weinstein’s former assistant, Sandeep Rehal, is suing him claiming she had to clean up his semen after sex. And you thought Weinstein’s proctologist had it rough?

The molestation charges by Nicole Eggert, against actor, Scott Baio, are shocking. They are calling Scott Baio an actor?  

Since you asked:

The Hollywood sexual offender list includes Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Steven Seagal, Matt Lauer, Dustin Hoffman and Jeremy Piven. It is probably not a coincidence this is the same list of Hollywood men who are horrible to waiters. Apparently dicks have trouble controlling their dicks.

After the State of the Union speech, many analysts point out the chasm between teleprompter Trump and Twitter Trump. Teleprompter Trump seems more presidential, Twitter Trump seems like an 8th grade mean girl experiencing PMS for the first time.

Lex’s omelette tips.

Let me say an omelette is only supposed to have eggs and cheese. Leave it to humans to add too much crap. No mushrooms, no ham. Don't even think about kale. 

Tip #1. Put two eggs and three yokes in a bowl.

Tip #2. Whip those eggs good like Devo. We are inclusive. We do not want white separation while cooking.

Tip #3. Put butter in pan and medium low heat. Pour in eggs. When it starts to skin up, push it all to the middle in a football shape.

Tip #4. Put the cheddar cheese on one side. Not too much. Let it cook until you can flip one side over with a spatula without the omelette breaking. 

Tip #5. Once folded over, flip the omelette after that just using the pan. Do not care what some of the “Chopped” judges say, I want my omelette with a touch of brown on the eggs.  That way the cheese will be melted.

Sour cream, salsa, some avocado, buttered toast or heated flour tortilla and Bob is your freaking Uncle.

And a hot, steaming Cup-o-Joe.