Friday, January 09, 2009

We gonna hoist the foist up in this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s about time
Britain has passed a law that makes it illegal to have sexually suggestive street names like Hoar street, H-O-A-R. Finally some good news for those poor folks who live on Slutty Skank Way.

What’s in a name?
A guy in Maine wants to open a diner with topless waitresses. The name of the place is “Hooters, no, really guys, Hooters.”

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
Barack Obama has appointed CNN’s Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General. President Bush thinks it’s shameful that Obama snubbed House.

The movie “Che” is out. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said; “Ahem, not to embarrass the movie makers, but she spells it with an R, Cher.”

And again
Barack Obama has appointed CNN’s Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General. President Bush said, “Who cares? Did you know the Surgeon General isn’t really a real general anyway? He doesn’t even have a gun.”

Crime rate keeps going up, up, up, to live in this town you gotta be tough, tough, tough
The bad news is that the murder rate in New York City is up 5%. To make it even worse, that 5% doesn’t include Bernie Madoff.

Not good
The New York Knicks are in last place. The Knicks are so bad they couldn’t make a shot in Plaxico Burress’s sweat pants.

Up, up, up
The crime rate in New York is up. Murder is up 5%. But here is a good tip, if you are visiting New York and you want to avoid getting shot, stay away from Plaxico Burress’s sweat pants.

Oh, well, in that case
Amy Winehouse’s ex says she smokes crack for breakfast; but don’t worry, it’s that new crack now with multi-grains.

“Marley & Me” is still #1 at the box office. My favorite scene is when Marley breaks away from his leash and runs over and humps Rod Blagojevich’s hair.

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it again
Barack Obama has appointed CNN’s Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General. There was an awkward moment, when President Bush heard about Sanjay Gupta he asked; “Isn’t that the guy who fixed my computer?”

Big game
The big rivalry game is this weekend, the New York Giants vs. the Philadelphia Eagles. The winner gets to choose where they’re going to bury the bodies of the losers in New Jersey.

Neither one
A pet insurance company came out with a list of the most popular dog names in 2008. Among the most popular dog names were Max, Molly, Buddy and Daisy. The least popular dog name in 2008? Michael and or Vick.

Like that
Adam “Pacman” Jones was released by the Dallas Cowboys following his suspension this season for fighting with his bodyguard. Got that? He got in a fight with the one guy paid to keep him from getting in fights. That’s like shooting your anger management counselor.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig will drop his appeal of his airport men’s bathroom sex sting conviction. That’s good because if there is one thing a creepy 63-year-old guy hustling sex in a public bathroom does not have, it’s any appeal.

Since you asked:
Say what you want about the endless problems created by religious fanatics in the world, at least this Tim Tebow guy walks the walk. He has worked with lepers and the impoverished in the Philippines, where he was born. The only rub on the guy is that he may not be the best dude to invite to a bachelor party.

“For the last time, Tim, no, I don’t know if Tiffany has accepted Jesus as her savior, the poor girl is just trying to give you a freaking lap dance, for crying-out-loud.”

But can the guy make a wicked Paris Hilton joke and a BBQ Meatloaf sandguido on sourdough?


Lex on Blago

To fully get a concept of what a total nob/tool this Rod Blagojevich dorp really is, you have to spend a fair amount of time in and around Chicago.

Like other parts of the country, as in state capitals like Boston, in Chicago politics is really treated like some kind of sport. The locals are savvy and they know who is who and what is what. Our family treated election night like the seventh game of the World Series.

One of the things that was shocking to me when I moved out to California for school is that, in general, my good, smart and fairly well-educated California friends did not give a flying gnarly dude spit about politics. They still don’t. There was this one leggy, pretty brunette in our Long Beach State dorm who was so impressed that I read “Time” magazine she slept with me. Bless her heart.

But in Chicago, if they aren’t talking about dah Bearsss or dah Cubssss in the local tavern, they probably will get around to local politics.

Chicago politicians have to walk a thin line of being qualified but not being snotty or East Coast-like elitists, or heaven forbid, an intellectual.

The original Mayor Daley knew that he had to keep his tiny tract home house in a blue collar neighborhood despite his making a fortune under the table. And he wanted the press showing him each morning leaving that little house and going to city hall with his hat, briefcase and rain coat on the way to take dah El to dah loop. Meanwhile he was buying up mansions on Lake Geneva and I don’t mean the one in Wisconsin.

That is what Blagojevich was smart about. He wasn’t all Jack Kennedy or Mitt Romney-like, he made it clear he was a Chicago guy, pronounced: uh Chuh-cahhhhh-gooo guyeee.

This Blagojevich clown got his law degree from Pepperdine in Malibu. Although both are on the Ocean, Pepperdine makes my UCSB look like Oxford. It is a bunch of rich Christian kids looking for a good time. One of my friends admitted he got his law degree there virtually by accident and without ever seeing the inside of the library.

So that is how so many relatively not-that-smart guys can get elected to high offices in Illinois. In Illinois, they like their politicians plain and without high pedigrees. That goes back to Abe Lincoln. Abe pushed the angle that his opponent, Stephen A. Douglass, was a snooty intellectual. Lincoln lived in a log cabin the way Mayor Daley lived in a tiny tract home.

In Illinois, savvy outweighs snooty every time. 

The last thing I want to imply is that Chicago/Illinois elects dumb hicks. Quite the contrary. My Mother practically ran the Northwestern Kellogg Graduate School Not-for-profit department because her boss, Don Heider, was so entrenched in Illinois politics. Heider is/was a classic Chicago politician. He looked like the rugby player he was,  but had advanced degrees from Stanford. And he was rough on my Mom. Yelling, screaming, demanding. A couple of times I almost went to his office to climb inside his jock, but my mother would have killed me. But he was also deathly loyal.

My word, if some snotty graduate student was rude to my Mom - and this was an amazing school, all of Bobby Kennedy's kids came through,  to the delight of my Mom, a wild Kennedy fanatic, and she said they were very nice.

But I digress, if some pompous little twit tried to treat my Mom like hired help, even my Mom felt sorry for the screaming tongue-lashing they got from Don Heider. 

But the popularity of politics and, as a result, an endless tolerance for bad behavior, in Chicago and Illinois is also how a nimrod baboon-head like Blagojevich could swell his already huge ego to the point where it actually blinds him into complete and utter stupidity. He is the third Illinois governor who will go to prison in thirty years.

Illinois doesn't try to elect idiots, it elects regular looking guys who then turn idiotic by a system that allows their egos to go unchecked. The rest of the country can laugh at us Californians for electing an action star as it's governor, but if Arnold threw tantrums or tried to elicit bribes, the tabloids would know about it. He has to be clean because he is so famous. 

And none of them were truly dumb guys. Look at how savvy Blago was with Burris?

Chicagoans/Illinoisans will put up with a ton of amazingly atrocious behavior if they think their politician is working for them.

But when Illinois folks find out that megalomaniac was in fact screwing them out of their tax money? He will go down faster than Paris Hilton on “Free Jager-shots” night.