Thursday, February 28, 2008

No why you got to go and be all that a way, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Not right
A lot of the Academy voters got their votes wrong. For example, Eddie Murphy, there is no award for Best Actor in a Movie Titled: “Norbit.” Madonna, please stop voting for yourself for “Evita,” it has been 12 years, let it go. And finally, Jane Fonda, the movie is spelled; “No COUNTRY for old Men.”

That explains it
All of the top Oscars went to foreign actors. They had to, all the American actors were in rehab.

Go figure?
In Los Angeles Monday night, the Clippers got thumped by the Boston Celtics, 104 to 76. In addition, oddly enough, the movie “No Country for Old Men” won two more Oscars.

Worse than expected
This whole mad cow meat problem could be worse than we thought; today I asked my doctor what the symptoms were from eating tainted mad cow meat. You know what he said? “Moooo.”

Not good
This whole mad cow problem could be worse than we thought; today I asked my doctor what the symptoms were from eating tainted mad cow meat; he said; “What do I care? I’m a Buick.”

No that would be something
There is a clip of French President Nicolas Sarkozy calling a fellow Frenchman a total jerk for claiming Sarkozy touched and soiled him. Now there is a reality show. Frenchman vs. Frenchman in a rudeness contest. We have “American Idol” they’d have “French Idle Threat.”

Over ten billion served, bitch
In California, a McDonalds now has a barista making fancy coffee drinks and they are going to redesign their restaurant with elements of feng shui. In other words, if McDonalds gets any gayer, they’ll have to change its motto from “I’m lovin’ it” to “I’m lovin’ it somethin’ fierce.”

He is out of control
The Oscars were filled with pregnant actresses, Jessica Alba, Kate Blanchett, Nicole Kidman and Angelina Jolie. I’m telling you that Tom Brady has to be contained.

Since you asked:
Although I admire a great book and a well-turned phrase as much as anyone, I do not consider myself a wordsmith, a grammarian or much of an editor, which will come as no surprise to anyone who is reading this blog.

Hell, I barely consider myself a writer. I am a comedy writer with much more of the emphasis on the comedy which, as, I admit, I am not always successful at that, so you can guess how bad the writing side is. As a comedy writer I am more comedy than writery. Writerist. Guy who writes goodly. A writerafier.

Having unnecessarily excused myself as a writing expert, I am also proud not to be one of the most egregiously annoying things in the world: the pedantic. Who doesn’t despise with the white hot heat of a thousand Paris Hiltons, those snotty trolls who run around correcting other people’s use of words?

Having said all that, here are my pet writing/speaking peeves that are being abused from everyone from my 9-year-old daughter to presidential candidates. What makes them so touchy for me isn’t that I am stickler for proper diction or syntax, rather it is that they are phony tools in the transparent attempt to make someone look like they are saying something when they are not:

Going forward Isn’t the fact that time hasn’t stopped assumed?

Thing Yes, I use this too much as an overly cute attachment but it doesn’t mean anything. You know, that whole thing thing.

All I don’t want to get all-whatever on you, but you all use all way too much.

Whatever How long ago did Valley Girl come out? Let it go.

At this juncture. You mean now?

At this point in time. See: at this juncture.

Literally. This is OK to use, but only when it conflicts with assumed similes, analogies or metaphors. It was literally raining cats and dogs? Oh, no. Really? Those poor little kitties and puppies. I was literally knocked out is fine as long as you lost consciousness.

At the end of the day At the end of the day I need a stiff drink because of there being so many people who overuse at the end of the day.

It is what it is. It is? Are you sure? How can you be so sure? Maybe it isn’t what it is. And, as the Clintons taught us, what is the definition of is? Is is an is or is it not an is? That is the question. And that question? Well, it is what it is.

Sticking wise at the end. Client-wise he is very stupid-wise. Which, of course, is not wise-wise.

Hello as a sarcastic expression. You are still using this tired affectation? Helloooooooooo?!

It’s a blank thing. It’s a chick thing. Or it’s a kid thing. Oh, than the problem isn’t that you can’t properly explain it, I must be the problem. That is a stupid thing.

Oh no you di’nt. That was quite cute at first. Really cute. Especially when it was used by seriously white people trying to look hip. But it is so over.

That is so blank. That is so Dave. And the most annoying TV show ever made, “That is so Raven.” That is also so over.