Monday, March 14, 2005

It’s about sharin’ the love up in this Beeeyaaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Eli’s coming
Eli Lily has an ad campaign for a prescription drug for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. You know what you call a dyslexic male with ADD? DAD.

Hate to see that
Brothels in Nevada are under government regulation. The customers say the service has gone down since the Feds started regulating them. For example, now instead of 69 you can only get about 61.5.

Poor guy
Insiders say Michael Jackson is depressed over his molestation trial. In fact, he is so down, now they are calling Michael: Mick-Al. No Eeeheee.

Why so long?
Federal Regulators ruled there was nothing indecent about a “Monday Night Football” segment that featured actress Nicolette Sheridan wearing only a towel then dropping the towel. The Regulators were clear and concise with their verdict, yet, for some reason, it took them many, many hours of reviewing the clip to come to their decision.

It was an odd verdict. The regulators ruled that ABC was not liable as long as they never, ever, feature a towel dropping segment with John Madden.

That’s better
There are mental health groups that protest the NCAA basketball tournament’s nickname of March Madness. They prefer the term March Madness only be used where it belongs: the Michael Jackson trial.

Coming soon
Kirstie Alley’s “Fat Actress” debuted on Showcase. The reviews have been good. If this works than look for a spin off of "Fat Actress": “Stupid Actor” starring Pauly Shore.

One smart judge
A judge ruled that California can no longer justify limiting marriage to a man and a woman which would allow same-sex couples to wed. When asked to explain the reason for his ruling, the judge said; “Rosie O’Donnell scares the crap out of me and I didn’t want to make her mad.”

Since you asked:
It’s official, I am turning into a grump.

Take today, for example. When I pick up Ann Caroline at school, there was this late fortiesh kind of frumpy woman walking ahead of us who was loudly shuffling her scandals on the sidewalk. Annoying? Yes. Lazy? Sure. Slovenly? Of course. But if she wants to be annoying, dumpy, slovenly and lazy that’s her right, right?

It took everything I had to keep from screaming; “Pick up your goddamn feet, you vile pain-in-my-groin.”

Did I mention I am in a bad mood today? And I'm not sure why. Had a good weekend. Lovely dinner last night on a beautiful night. Just grumpy as an extra big Rottweiler wearing an extra small poodle's drawers. (Poodle's Drawers is my new band)

But saying drawers made me feel better. Heh, heh. Try it. Drawers. Hah, ahahah.

Nope, still grumpy. Oh well. A work out and a couple vinos later on will do the trick. Always remember the sage toast by Judge Schmales in "Caddy Shack."

"It's easy to grin when your ship has come in and you've got the stock market beat.

But the man worthwhile is the one who can smile when his shorts are too tight in the seat."

Speaking of band names, how do you suppose the boys arrived at Hoobastank? Would have loved to sat in on that brain storm session.

"How about Fubarsmelt?"





"Not even."


"Not quite."

"I got it. Hoobastank."


Did you hear about "The Dave Mathews band" bus dumping its Hoobastank on a Chicago tour boat? Worst example of Chicagoans getting dumped by raw sewage since the Cubs last eight games of the 2004 season.