Thursday, September 29, 2016

That hissing sound you hear is other NFL players letting the air out of their balls.

At the next debate they will be using questions submitted by social media. So the next three questions will be: “I can’t even. Can you even?”  “I know. Right?” And “DTF?”

Serving out his Deflategate suspension, Tom Brady was photographed on a nude beach in Italy with his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen. In a related story, nothing about either of them was deflated.

“Forbes” revealed Donald Trump lost $800 mil. this year. Even for Trump, that is a bigly amount of money.

Donald Trump just lost a debate and he found out from “Forbes" he lost $800 mil. last year. Guess which one bothers him more?  

This is a guy who is so cheap he paid for his own portrait with $20,000 people donated to a charity. 

Rough time for Donald Trump. He lost the debate to Hillary. “Forbes” just informed him he lost $800 mil. last year. And his tanning salon is fresh out of his spray tan shade: Pumpkin Spice Sunset. 

“Forbes” claims Donald Trump lost over $800 mil. this year. You know how Trump says he doesn’t drink? Well, tonight he is going to drink a whole lot of that stuff he says he doesn’t drink. 

Somebody just bought the Batman batsuit in the Dark Knight movies for $250,000. He can wear it on all the dates he doesn’t go on.

Somebody just bought the Batman batsuit in the Dark Knight movies for $250,000. He bought it using all the money he saved by never going on a date. 

Serving out his Deflategate suspension, Tom Brady was photographed on a nude beach in Italy with his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen. In Tom’s entire time in sun bathing in Italy, not one 300 pound lineman tried to rip his head off. 

Since you asked:

Back in third grade, Howie Detmer and I would play together after school and the main goal was to try and crack each other up. After an after-school snack of milk and Nilla Wafers or Graham crackers, we would run up to Howie’s attic to play board games or listen to Bill Cosby records. (We both could recite entire Bill Cosby albums word-for-word. To be candid, Howie’s Fat Albert was better than mine)

And we would unveil new characters we invented. From Cosby there was Coz, Fat Albert, Old Weird Harold. Our own characters: Mr. Jarvis, Mrs. Clooney's heartburn, Spastic bird, Crying Duncan, Mean Old Man, Sad moose.  This may be bragging, but it is not lying, I did a smarmy, corny, Vegas lounge lizard imitation 8 years before Bill Murray. 

One of our go-to characters that always got a laugh went by the name “Whoa Big Guy.”

The key to "Whoa Big Guy" was in the squint and the grimmace. Always squint. And the grimmace you would alternate pursed lips or expose clinched teeth. You stood with your feet shoulder-length with your fists on your hips. And, in a Superman way, you looked up and off to the distant left and then back to the right and said,

“Oh yah. It’s me, Big Al.” (Or Big How, depending)  

And then the other would exclaim, "Whoa, look out it's Big Al." Or "Whoa, look out, it's Big How." 

The accent of "Whoa Big Guy" was an affected phony tough-guy voice that combined the faux-baritone Lone Ranger’s “See here. Unhand that man, citizen,” a little smart-ass Bugs Bunny with the cartoon James Cagney/ Edward G. Robinson bad guys, “Why you dirty rat. Look, see, it’s curtains for you. See?” thrown in. 

We did not know it at the time, but those voices were all done in a cheesy Brooklyn/Long Island accent. 

When we really ramped up “Whoa Big Guy” we would pound our chest, point our thumbs at ourselves and yell,

“Yay me. Hooray . . . for . . .  me. Bow down to . . . me.”

We had no way of knowing it, but we were doing a spot-on Donald Trump 50 years ahead of its time.

As bright-eyed and innocent little kids, we could see right past the phony bluster into why a character like this was so fake,  pompous, silly and, therefore, so funny. 

Last night Seth Meyers's faux moderating the debate was a dead-solid home run with runners on. It was Seth being Seth in the most Seth-like way. Meyers's writers are crushing it. Go Amber.

Man, I thought the gloves were off by the media on Trump before the debate? Now the piling-on is glorious. Unless someone is waiting for checks from "Fox News" everybody is in on it. And why not? The man is an evil, bloated troll. 

Not saying this applies to me, I am not saying it doesn’t. What I am saying is, if your last visit to the bathroom invoked memories of a knee-capped Nancy Kerrigan scream-cry-whining “Whyyyyyyyyy?” You may want to change your diet. 


Speaking of rough #2's . . . 

Rough time for Donald Trump:

He lost the debate bigly. 

“Forbes” claims he lost $800 mil. this year. 

He is accused of violating the Cuban trade embargo.  

His charity is illegal.

He continues to attack Miss Universe

“USA Today” condemned him. 

And today his tanning salon ran out of his Pumpkin Spice Sunset spray color.