Rollin' wish dah homies, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers



The New England Patriots are 3-0 without Tom Brady. “See, you don’t need Tom Brady,” is what I have said to Gisele Bundchen in my dreams. 

The New England Patriots are 3-0 without Tom Brady. And that is not an inflated estimate. 

Brad Pitt is fighting for joint custody of his kids. Because if there is one thing you cannot take away from Brad Pitt, it something with the word joint in it. 

(Obvious joke) 

At a congressional hearing, Sen. Elizabeth Warren told the Wells Fargo CEO, John Stumpf, he should be in jail. Stumpf was so upset, he cried and blew his nose into a one million dollar bill. 

Whole Foods has been fined $3.5 mil. by the EPA. Whole Foods paid the EPA the $3.5 mil. fine with an entire bag of grapes. (Another obvious joke) 

The first presidential debate is Monday and they are predicting Super Bowl-like numbers. So not only will Peyton Manning be in all the commercials, he’ll win the debate too. 

It was a year ago that Volkswagen was caught falsifying their emissions results. “We have learned our lesson and we will never do anything wrong again,” said the company that made cars for Adolf Hitler. 

Donald Trump is accused of spending $258,000 in money donated to his charity to pay his legal fees. So the money people gave to help the needy Trump gave to lawyers. Bernie Madoff is somewhere in prison saying, “Dude, that is sleazy.” 

In a related story, Satan just dropped his endorsement of Donald Trump. 

A man who hit former NBA star and Sacramento Mayor, Kevin Johnson, with a pie in the face, got the hell beaten out of him by Johnson. Black eye. Stitches. Let that be a lesson. No politician likes getting hit in the face with a pie. Well, besides Chris Christie. 

(Another obvious joke) 

The first presidential debate is Monday and they are predicting Super Bowl-like numbers. That’s why Hillary’s debate coach is Peyton Manning. 

Sen. Elizabeth Warren told the Wells Fargo CEO, John Stumpf, he should be in jail. Stumpf looked more confused than a Kardashian on “Jeopardy.”

Sen. Elizabeth Warren told the Wells Fargo CEO, John Stumpf, he should be in jail. Stumpf looked Justin Bieber in a lecture on quantum physics. 

In their divorce, Brad Pitt is demanding joint custody of the children. Brad is, however, allowing Angelina sole custody of the deodorant. 

Just up the road from here in Legoland. Who looks like the pain-in-the-ass here? 

Since you asked:

Between the hacked Sony emails and the divorce details, it is becoming evident Angelina Jolie is considered difficult even for Hollywood. It turns out she is not the happy-go-lucky girl who was committed to the UCLA psyche ward for three days, wore vials of blood and tongue-swapped with her brother at the Oscars. (Anonymous crew members on the set of “Unbroken” were not complimentary)

Double standards not only exist, they are alive and well. Women who defend women are called feminists. Men who defend men are called sexist. And Brad Pitt is probably no day at the beach. Anyone who is filthy rich and still has rampant B.O. and smokes pot like the second coming of Snoop Bob Marley Dog has to be a pain-in-the-ass. 

And yet I am going to be sexist and take Brad Pitt’s side. But, in her defense, Angelina once gave Brad a helicopter for his birthday. A helicopter, dude. That makes up for a lot.

Brad does seem pretty cool. While making “Moneyball” he heard Jonah Hill lust after his custom golf cart he had on set. So not only did Brad get Jonah a golf cart, he had it custom designed pink and covered with pictures of the singing group Wham. Why is this so funny? Jonah is not a fan of Wham per se. 

(That is the difference between money and stupid money. Guys like Brad Pitt, RIP, Paul Newman and George Clooney have so much money, they can afford to burn it up on elaborate pranks)

Angelina is beautiful, but not in a real world kind of way. You just do not see women like Angelina at the grocery store. Angelina is in the scary realm of beautiful like Olivia Wilde and Brazilian models like Adriana Lima and Emanuela De Paula. Not relatable beauties like, well, Jennifer Anniston. 

Rumors have Brad hitting their son, Maddox, in a drunken rage on a private jet. (That’s why I do not fly private jets, all that champagne, they are just trouble waiting to happen) There is a rumor Brad had an affair with his French costar, but the French actress issued a non-denial denial. 

Who knows the truth? 

To paraphrase the late, great comedian, Richard Jeni, Brad fell for the Angelina who had Kenyan hotel guests complaining she screamed so loudly during sex. (She could be heard over the lions and elephants) Angelina was openly bi-sexual. She admitted snorting coke and heroin and having orgies. She has tattoos on her tattoos. Piercings in her piercings. 

But poor Brad ended up with the Angelina who could not walk past a fly-infested orphan without adopting it. 

As Richard Jeni said it so well: 

“Who thought this crazy bitch would grow a heart?” 

Brad Pitt is about to find out that a grown heart is retractable. Here comes crazy Angelina again. 


RIP Bill Nunn.  Great actor.