Thursday, May 19, 2016

Kristen Stewart to stylist: "Give me the meth addict with pink-eye look"

Catch the stoke that will get you woke to the joke, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The first openly gay Army Secretary, Eric Fanning, was sworn in. His first move will be to change the Army slogan from Army Strong to Army Fierce. 

It has not been easy for the Boston medical team that transplanted a man’s penis. They constantly have to say, “No, we can’t replace the penis you have because its too small. And that’s final, Mr. Trump.”

It has not been easy for the Boston medical team that transplanted a man’s penis. Father’s Day is coming up and they’re getting a lot of requests from wives for upgrades. 

A “Washington Post” poll reveals 90% of the Native Americans do not find the name Washington Redskins offensive. Actually, they do not find the name Redskins offensive, they do find the name Washington offensive as all hell. 

A “Washington Post” poll reveals 90% of the Native Americans do not find the name Washington Redskins offensive. As long as the Redskin’s owner, Dan Snyder, agrees to change his name to Chief Little Weasel. 

A 28-year-old Texas middle school teacher was arrested for sending nude photos on Snapchat to her 14-year-old male student. For the student's part, he really put the snap in Snapchat. 

Rumor has is Caitlyn Jenner is seriously considering transitioning back to being a man. If so, they will have to change the name of his show from “I Am Cait” to “I Am Putting Transgenders Back 20 Years.” 

Hillary Clinton said Donald Trump is not qualified to be president. When asked why, Hillary said, “Because his name does not rhyme with Schmillary Schminton.”

Since you asked:

In Strunk and White’s “The Elements of Style,” chapter V, “An Approach to Style.”

8: Avoid the use of qualifiers. 

Rather, very, little, pretty — these are the leeches that infest the pond of prose, sucking the blood out of words.

How totally gnarly awesome is like that cool sentence? 

Hagar Ben-Ari. One lean, mean monkey woman bass player machine

Right now, Seth Meyer's monologue is 25% better than all the other talk show monologues. Would love to write for them.

(Whistling while looking at watch and waiting for "Late Night With Seth Meyers" to call) 

The Boathouse Bar

Seriously homesick for my beloved Santa Barbara. 
Hoping for some kind of cosmic break that will give me a chance to sneak up there for a quick stand-up paddle surf getaway. Something about that heady aroma of thick ocean fog mixed with eucalyptus and a hint of tar from the beach that scrapes the barnacles off the hull of my soul.

Oh to sit at the Boathouse bar in the late afternoon carnival light eating crab cakes and sipping a tasty red ale while watching the dolphins frolic for the attention of the dogs playing in the surf at Hendry beach.  

Santa Barbara has such a soft spot in my heart for so many reasons not the least of which is it is so wonderful. Take the best of old school California ranchers and the spirituality of soul surfers and mix it with the indomitable spirit of the Sam Adams decathletes and heptathletes I know and love and therein, for me, lies the town’s personality. 

Part of the magic Santa Barbara holds for me exists because of all the firsts I experienced there. First time happy with the college I was attending. First time in years feeling like I was exactly where I wanted to be doing exactly what I wanted to do in school, track and relationships. 

A lot of little firsts like first Denver omelet. First  chicken flauta (a fried burrito) first Santa Maria-style cook out, first sushi. And bigger firsts like first live-in girlfriend, first real job, first car, first time windsurfing, first roommates. Medium firsts like first mustache. First stiff drink at Joe’s. First pair of button-fly jeans. First real pair of beach sandals.  First time catching a wave on a board.

First time out in the mean real world apart from school. It sure helped cushion the blow of the mean world living in the kind-hearted Santa Barbara. 

Going back to Santa Barbara is both a pathetic attempt to capture lost youth as well as a hard lesson in how much things have changed. But it is also a wonderful life-affirming lesson on how the good stuff lasts.

Santa Barbara is the good stuff. 

In sad news, the great journalist, Morley Safer, died at 84. 

Morley smoked and enjoyed wine and other alcoholic beverages, but all were done in moderation. Morley was a hard worker who, although he traveled extensively due to his job, he was extremely careful and cautious.

Morley's younger brother, Lesley, a ne’er-do-well roust-about, passed far earlier at age 57 because of a reckless lifestyle. He drank, gambled and smoked all to excess and was incautious in all manor of ways including driving too fast, sleeping with wild women and consuming a wildly unhealthy sauce-rich diet.

The moral of the story? It is better to be Morley Safer than Lesley Safer.

(polite applause)