Sunday, May 15, 2016

Wally does the stanky-leg when he pees, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A woman in Florida was admitted to a hospital with a two-foot shark biting her arm. When the doctor asked what happened, the shark said, “Can you believe I thought she was a seal?”  

Jayson Day won the Players Championship. Day will now join the list of players, including Jordan Spieth, Bubba Watson, Rickie Fowler and Rory McIlroy, to be called the next Tiger Woods and then will not be.

The movie “Top Gun” is 30 years old. Now when they sing about someone losing that loving feeling, they have Viagra. 

Texas Ranger, Rougned Odor, was suspended a game for punching Toronto’s Jose Batista. Not sure I can put my finger on it, but there is something about Odor that stinks. 

(They don't all have to be gems . . . )

Donald Trump referred to Mass. Senator, Elizabeth Warren, as Pocahontas. Warren then referred to Trump as Chief Weasel On His Head. 

One of the top candidates for Donald Trump’s runningmate is Sarah Palin. This is the comedy writer equivelent of how someone feels who picked the first four Powerball numbers and is waiting for the fifth ball to come up. 

The Arizona Coyotes made John Chayka, 26, the youngest GM in NHL history. That is absolutely shocking. Arizona has an NHL hockey team? Since when? 

Seriously, I thought the only ice in Arizona was in their ice tea. And margaritas. 

Chayka wasted no time and traded for a third-round draft dude with a righteous broheim-to-be-named-later. 

A recent survey reveals Donald Trump is less reverred than the band Nickelback and head lice. And he is way less  reverred than Nickeback’s song about head lice. 

Is it just me, or does Eric Trump look like the frat boy in the douche fraternity in "Animal House" Omega Theta Pi, who is way too excited about paddling the pledge's butts? 

P.S. Those with a sharp eye will note that is none other than Kevin Bacon taking one for the team

Happy 41st birthday to former Ravens linebacker, Ray Lewis. No word on if they are going to let Ray cut his own cake or not.

Lamar Odom has received an all-expenses-paid invitation back to the Nevada brothel, where he lapsed into a cocaine-coma, as long as he does not bring drugs. That sounds like an offer he cannot refute.

The device that caused the Manchester United game to be postponed turned out to be a fake bomb accidentally left by bomb-sniffing dog trainers. They found that out when they brought in the stupidity-sniffing dogs. 

Lamar Odom has received an all-expenses-paid invitation back to the Nevada brothel, where he lapsed into a cocaine-coma, as long as he does not bring drugs. No comment from Lamar, but they have received a yes response from a Schlamar Schlodom. 

In 1991, Donald Trump faked being his own publicist under the name John Miller. He picked John Miller because the name Douchey McDoucheface would have attracted too much suspicion. 

The movie “Top Gun” is 30-years-old. Now, instead of feeling the need, the need for speed, the characters feel the need, the need to . .  oh, shoot, I forgot. 

Donald Trump’s former butler is a racist who posts on Facebook he wants President Obama lynched. When asked to comment, Trump’s current butler said, “I had no idea the former butler was a racist or my name isn’t Chris Christie.”