Monday, April 11, 2016

In Ohio, a grand jury indicted a former Cleveland Browns employee for embezzling $88,000 from the team. They became suspicious when the employee seemed to actually enjoy working for the Cleveland Browns. 

At the Masters, Jordan Spieth hit the water twice on the 12th to shoot a quadruple boogey 7.  Did you know Spieth is a German word? It means, “Tin Cup.”

After his nightmare round, Jordan Spieth, chastised a CBS cameraman for filming his face. In his defense, the cameraman was filming Spieth’s throat. He wanted to see if there were still grip marks. 

One of the players on the Masters Leaderboard is named Smylie Kaufman. And his younger brother is named Lucky. How did they get those names? Ask their older brother, Chronic. 

Yesterday was National Sibling Day. Awkward when Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian said, “Fine. But when do we get to honor our sisters?” 

A Nike retirement tribute video to Kobe Bryant has many athletes describing Kobe as arrogant and annoying. In fact,  more arrogant and annoying than actors with three names or singers with one. 

Since you asked:

My good friend and golf maven, Mark O’Snake, is going to come down on me for the choke-joke about Jordan Spieth. He's right. To date Jordan has been impeccably classy, generous and gracious as a great champion can be at the impossibly young age of 22. 

Jordan has been, without fail, the anti-Tiger. 

But you don’t get to welcome the camera filming your happy face when you win and then chastise the cameraman for the same shot when you lose. Like, Jordan, the cameraman was simply doing his job. 

It smacks of those hypocrite a-jerk actors, like Sean Penn and Alec Baldwin, who punch paparazzi cameraman who shoot them coming out drunk from clubs and yet welcome them at their movie openings with open arms. 

And yes, actors with three names are Kobe-like annoying. Nobody is a bigger fan of the guy in “500 Days of Summer,” but I cannot remember the name of Joseph (I had to Google it) Gordon-Levitt to save my life. 

The guy in all the “American Pie” movies and the underrated “Goon” and “Evolution” will always be Thomas Williams Sean Penn Taylor Dane David Smith and Jones to me. (Sean Williams Scott, and yes, I had to Google it) 

Any fan of “The Walking Dead” will remember how annoying the character of Rick’s wife, Lori, was. They could not kill her fast enough and when they finally did,  (spoiler alert) they gutted her like a trout and her own son shot her in the head. How annoying is the actress in real life? She has four names. Sarah Anne Wayne Callies. 


A woman I know is an out-of-work actress also with four names. She is so flighty,  annoying and nutty she is virtually unemployable. 

Three name is only slightly less bad. 

Sitting here at 8 AM drinking my awesome homemade French roast coffee with a dollop of milk and honey and a dusting of cinnamon and eating a corndog (like we do) and thinking how fun it is to give golfers stupid nicknames and then yell it right when they hit the ball. That is what I do, so I know it is fun. And I only give nicknames to the golfers I like.

Jordan Spieth is Speefers, ala Keith Richards is Keefers. 

Jayson Day is Day-Oh, sung out-loud like “The Banana Boat Song.”

Brandt Snedeker is Sneeeeads.

One more outburst or tantrum and Sergio Garcia will lose his nickname rights. But for now he is Sssssssssssserrrrge-uh. In a super flamboyant way. The name cracks me up.

Ricky Fowler is Ricky Fow-Fow. Said real fast. Faster. RickyFowFow. We’ll work on it. 

If I liked Bubba Watson, he would be Bubbles, but I do not like him, so he does not get a nickname. Besides Tool. Take that, Bubba.

Tiger Woods’s nickname is grandfathered in from when I used to like him: Tiggly, Wiggly Wooooooooo. (Still kinda like Tiggly under the "Yeah, he's a dick, but he's our dick" rule) 

Bernhard Langer is Burrrrn Yeeeerrrrrrd. 

Announcer Ian Baker-Finch does not get a nickname. Not because I don’t like him, I do. I love how he pronounces par as pahhh. But he falls under the “I am annoying because I have three names” rule. 

The only player I do not like who still gets a nickname gets a really bad nickname. Vijay Singh is Vadge. Or V. Jay-Jay. 

Every morning Wally and I enjoy pretty much the same ritual. When I get up and make coffee at 7 AM, Wally does his singularly excellent impression of a furry throw rug. He does not wag a tail. He does not bat a pretty eyelash. He does not, as I remark, “Giveses mees dah times of days.” (In puppy/baby talk everything has one or even more plurals) 

Then, at about Nine O’Clock, like a Swiss train, when I emerge from (ahem) the bathroom, guess  who is standing there in full tail-wagging personality excitedly waiting to get fed? 

So I pet Wally and remark, in fake shock, at the remarkable turnaround in his attitude and wonder aloud what could possibly have suddenly sparked in him the sudden need to become so affectionate and cuddly? It is a modern day miracle, is what it is. 

Well, this morning, I must have gone on a bit too long, because once I started pouring the warm water into his bowl with dry dog food, and Mister Wally was certain he was just about to get fed, Wally then threw his head back, made an O shape with his mouth and groused about the quality, or lack thereof, of the service;


It sounded all the world like he was saying;

“Shut the hell up and feed me, you idiot.” 

That or he is saying,

“The level of service is not up to my usual expectations. A fella gets used to a certain standard and it is hard to accept otherwise.”

Fussed-at is what I got.