Monday, August 31, 2015

Rub some funk all on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Dancing with the Stars” starts in a couple weeks with Paula Deen. Paula should be a bigot. So sorry, I meant a big hit. Paula should be a big hit. 

At the MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye West announced he will run for president.  Who would have guessed two of our candidates would be Yeezus and Deez Nuts?

Scientists have invented an ice cream that does not melt. Upon hearing this, Chris Christie said; “Ice cream melts?”

President Obama has renamed Mount McKinley Denali, for its Native Alaskan name. And the rumor is Obama is going to name Mount Baldy after Donald Trump.

It has been hot in Los Angeles. I was sweating like Kanye West watching a replay of his VMAs speech the next morning.

A porn star, Madeline Madison, is suing a Los Angeles porn company for letting her perform oral sex through a glory hole unknowingly on her brother. Or as Florida is calling this: the feel-good family story of the week.

She’s upset because normally she would give him the family discount.

"No, seriously," said Chris Christie, "I've been eating ice cream for a long time and I think I would know about this whole melting thing."

Since you asked:

According to an "Outside the Lines" report, Geno Smith jaw-breaker, Ikemefuna Enemkpali, missed Louisiana Tech's season opener in 2011 because he had injured his hand after punching "a man he thought was a woman with whom he had arranged to have sex." In addition, if left untreated, Ikemefuna Enemkpali can lead to serious infections and genital warts.

What is going on with RGIII? As my old grandpa used to say, there must be a possum gizzard in the corn squeeezins. Actually, nobody said that, I made it up.

But there is clearly trouble in paradise with RGIII. Man, playing QB in the NFL gotta be harder than Chinese arithmetic and the times in ‘29. 

And them was hard times.

"So, since when does ice cream melt?"  asked Chris Christie,  "I mean, you buy it, take it home and, well, when the hell would it melt? I've never seen it melt."

So bummed that Thousand Oaks Gloria got voted off of “Masterchef.” And, yes, I am still straight. She was the last babe contestant. Killer wheels.

Sorry Hathel, or Hafel, or Havel or however you pronounce Hatel. Hatel is alright, but she is a damn vegetarian. And she only cooks Indian food.

Derrick is a talented chef – they all are at this point – and a pretty funny guy, but he has serious case of Napoleonic complex. We get it, you work out. Put sleeves on.

Stephen spells his V with a PH and is every inch the pain-in-the-ass that would do that. Plus, his thick-framed glasses with the safety band make him look like he takes the small bus to school.

Nick is kind of a dick. See: hat.

Katrina is so sweet, I want to hug her like she is a St. Bernard puppy, but her voice, when she is screeching, which is a lot, could peel paint.

And gay Tommy? As Gay Tommy would say, darling pleeeeaaaase. Gay Tommy is so gay, now that gay marriage is legal, he could marry himself. Tommy takes frazzled to an art form.

Claudia from La Mesa is my girl. Local gal. Great attitude. My second choice, now that Gloria is gone? Katrina.

Just caught up to the second-to-last show. Gay Tommy got voted off. And his exit could not have been better/gayer if it was choreographed by the Wicked Witch of the West’s flying monkeys.

"OK, I get it. It's a joke, right? This whole ice cream melting thing. You're effing with me, right? Hah. That's a good one. Ice cream melting, come on,"  said Chris Christie.