Thursday, August 27, 2015

Crank that vibe, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Between Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Lawrence, the question rages: which celebrity has the best butt? Me? I gotta go with Donald Trump. Because nobody can make an ass of themselves like Donald Trump.

At the Beijing World Championships, after winning the 200 meters, Usain Bolt was bowled-over by a Chinese cameraman on a Segway. Must . .  not . . . make  . . . xenophobic . . . driving . . . joke.

The good news is Bolt and the cameraman are fine. The bad news is, after contact with Bolt, the cameraman tested positive for steroids.*

The occupants of the Hummer in the nee Bruce Jenner Malibu crash are suing the estate of the woman who died in the crash. This is bad news for the “Hummer Owners are Not All A-holes” society.

Since you asked:

*That joke about the cameraman who ran into Bolt testing positive for steroids notwithstanding, I am not going to get into that side of it for now.

Instead, I want to know why someone who is running away with a race shuts it down and raises his arms? Bolt has done this many times, most memorably in Beijing 2008 Olympics in the 100 meters.

Why would Bolt shut down when he could have shattered the world record? Because he is getting bonuses for his world records. If he blows the record away, he will get less bonuses.

When I interviewed for the position of head of Athletics (Track and Field) Marketing at Nike, circa 1993, I told a big-wig Nike executive I thought that their paying world record bonuses to pole vaulting god, Sergey Bubka, was a big mistake. Bubka would break the world record by the slightest fractions of an inch. And Nike would pony up. It made Bubka look like a whore and Nike look like a pimp. And I used those words, whore and pimp. 

That and I said steroids were slowly killing track and field. 

Any wonder why I did not get the job?

Most people saw Bolt in Beijing today posing in his Bolt archery position and then getting run-over by a Segway during his victory lap. What I saw was a guy with a hefty, hefty shoe contract doing his victory gyrations . . . without wearing any shoes.

That is one serious eff you to Bolt’s shoe sponsor, Puma. Right now I promise you the executives at Puma are waist deep in the pretty pink donuts they have just pooped out and have carpel tunnel syndrome from texting their attorneys while screaming for a breach of contract lawsuit.

More Usain Bolt drama to come. Something tells me it smells like a big Nike rat. 

Like a lot of us, I tend to think there is not much to acting. Here is a strong argument against that theory. Dan in "Deadwood" and Warren in "Something about Mary" are the same guy, W. Earl Brown.

Let’s play Marry, Sex, Kill with Trump, Hillary and Jeb.

This is the easiest one ever. Marry Jeb. He is rich. Sex with Hillary, because she, well, let’s just say I’m not her type. And kill Trump. Can I kill Trump twice?