Monday, April 27, 2015

Friday, Starbucks’ computer system went down. Customers suspected there was a problem when their drinks came out right with their names spelled correctly.

In his interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner admitted he was woman in a man’s body. Trying to cash in, Justin Bieber admitted he is a guy trapped in a young lesbian’s body.

The headline reads “Bush leads Clinton in Polls.” What was the headline below that? “E-mails might replace Faxes”?

In his interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner said; “For all intents and purposes, I am a woman.” There was an awkward moment when a confused Kim Kardashian asked; “What do intense porpoises have to do with this?”

In his interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner admitted something so striking, so controversial and so unusual it might make him totally ridiculed and ostracized in Hollywood: He is a republican.

NBC is investigating over six occasions where Brian Williams embellished, fabricated or enhanced a story. Or as you and I call that: lying.

Bruce Jenner said he is heterosexual. Well, wait, if he is a woman then heterosexual means he likes men, but he is now a man so that would mean he likes women, but when he becomes a woman . . . does anyone else’s head hurt?

Since you asked:

All this Bruce Jenner talk has me thinking about how can we help promote the Decathlon in the US, and I got an idea.

Listen up, you pompous Nike dork d-bags, because I don’t want your cloven hooves to trample this pearl I’m about to cast.

Next year, right before the NFL draft, have Ashton Eaton and Trey Hardee, the top two US Decathletes, compete at the NFL combine.

When the sports world sees their vertical jumps, their standing long jumps, how many times they can bench 225, and their 40-yard-dash, they will be more than flabbergasted. More than gob smacked.

They’ll be Gobbergasted and Flabbersmacked.

A few more thoughts on the Bruce Jenner interview.

There is a syndrome connected with fame I call the Paris Hilton Effect. Some people who are famous have a truly out-of-whack perception of how famous they are and how they are seen.

Paris Hilton genuinely thought she was beloved by the entire country when in fact she was the punch line to jokes about stupid spoiled tramps and we couldn’t wait for her to get her bony, rich ass tossed into jail.

Thanks to a combination of factors like an enlarged ego and being surrounded by sycophants, Bruce Jenner has a serious case of Paris Hilton Effect. While there is a great deal of interest in his announcement, I don’t think it will, as Bruce says, change the world.

Yes, Bruce’s gutsy reveal will certainly help some people who have issues with gender identity, and good on Bruce for doing that.

But change the world? It isn’t even going to change the show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

Bruce is of the generation before social media, but he only has 75,000 followers on Twitter. Justin Bieber has 65 million. I know virtually unknown comedians who have more followers than Bruce Jenner.

One more thing.

Bruce lied to the three women, whom he had six children with, about the single most important thing a man can lie about to women he is about to marry and have kids. That he is really a woman.

And all three of Bruce’s ex-wives forgive him and support him. Good for them and good for Bruce. It says a lot about him and even more about them. (Although I don't think Kris is really on board)  

Once I lied about where I went to school for six months to a woman I cared deeply for, and she never spoke to me again.

How does that work?

A trending topic on Twitter is #PaintYourNailsForBruce. People are painting their finger nails to show support for Bruce Jenner’s transition to being a woman.

I think I will pass on this. 

One time, years ago, my daughter made me up, painted my nails, applied lots of rouge, lipstick, eyeliner, eye shadow and accessorized me with a tiara and a boa. And then we had tea.

To this day I will never forget the look on my neighbor, Nancy’s face, when I absent mindedly opened the door when she rang.