Friday, April 24, 2015

Chipotle announced they are now making deliveries. Which makes sense, Chipotle is a Spanish word that means, fat, lazy gringos.

Complaints against airlines rose 22% last year. Upon hearing this, an executive of Spirit Airlines said; “It is gratifying to know we are making a difference.”

Complaints against airlines rose 22% last year. Upon hearing this, an executive of Spirit Airlines said; “That increase would be so upsetting if we gave a damn.”

A former Utah high school teacher, 35-year-old Brianna Altice, admitted to having sex with three high school students in a plea deal. In exchange the prosecution dropped other charges including the charge of making all the other male students extremely jealous.

Three more women have accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault bringing the total to 41. How many people remember the good old days when the only crimes Bill Cosby was accused of were ugly sweater fashion felonies?

Three more women have accused Bill Cosby of drugging and sexual assault bringing the total to 41. Five more and they get their own area code.

I’m starting to think there may be something to this. 40 women, not convincing. But 41, now you have my attention.

Dear Hillary Clinton:

As a comedy writer, it is important to me for you to stay in the race. At the rate your scandals and screw-ups are piling up – seriously, you didn’t think to tip at Chipotle? – you’re not going to be around for long unless you hire me as a speech writer/comedy consultant.

My rates are reasonable and non-negotiable. (Nothing wears me out faster than having to argue with cheap rich people who think writing comedy is its own reward)

Now I know your writers think they are funny. They are not. 99.9% of the population thinks they could be a comedy writer. 99% of them could not be more wrong.

Hillary, you have a serious image problem.

Your image problem is not political. The far right are going to hate you no matter what you do. Your image problem is not because you are a highly motivated woman. Sexist men - and women - are going to hate you no matter what you do.

And you have a hard-core group of intellectual Clinton-lovers who are going to vote for you even if they find out you kidnapped the Lindberg baby. (You didn’t did you? Oh, right, the wrong era thing. You’re off the hook on this one)

Your image problem is personal. Or maybe more accurately impersonal.

Your image problem is that you seem disingenuous. Every comedian who nails you, including spot-on impressions by Amy Poehler and Kate McKinnon, nails your hyper-active duplicity.

Almost every word and gesture you and Bill utter seems synthetic and designed for a political effect. And that artificial, phony stench is off-putting to people who might have voted for you otherwise.

The best way to combat that air of hypocrisy is with some good, old fashioned self-deprecating comedy. Nobody wants hoaky. Corny. Nobody wants to see Hillary Clinton do ten minutes at the Komedy Klub in Kankakee doing jokes about cankles.

But a few well-worded zingers at yourself, ala your and Bill’s idol, John F. Kennedy, and you are back in business. Who wrote for JFK? Ted Sorenson. And Ted Sorenson was a witty, witty guy. 

Now, as a writer, I am no Ted Sorenson. You ain’t getting’ no “Ask not what your country can do for you . . “ out of my sorry Paris Hilton-joking butt.

But I am funny and I cost far less than Ted.

Would I vote for you, Hillary? Probably not. Would I write for you? You bet your pantsuit-wearing ass.

But part of me thinks you might make a good president and or you might be the most qualified. To deserve that chance, you need to win-over people just like me by hiring me to write for you.

Sincerely, your comedy writing whore,

Alex Kaseberg

(I would e-mail you a copy of this, but I know you would just erase it)