Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. defended his multiple domestic violence charges by comparing himself to OJ Simpson. Or as OJ calls Mayweather, “A quitter.”

Apple unveiled the Apple Watch. It can text, monitor your health and act as a secure payment system. And guys, it even has an app that can explain in detail why wearing the Apple Watch will keep you from getting laid.

An uproar exists over a Philadelphia restaurant's posting of a 20 cent tip on a $61 bill from millionaire Eagle running back, LeSean McCoy. In his defense, McCoy replied he did not knock anyone unconscious. 

Taco Bell is offering free food to 11 customers for life and the Olive Garden sells $100 all-you-can-eat Pasta Passes. There has never, ever, been a better time to be a toilet paper maker.

On Derek Jeter day at Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter was honored by being the only player to take the field. They got the idea from Alex Rodriguez’s birthday party when A-Rod was the only one there. 

Since you asked: 

There are only two conclusions that can be drawn from the NFL claiming to have seen the Ray Rice elevator video along with everyone else on TMZ. The first is the NFL is lying, the second is the NFL is inept.
Neither one is good. But the prior is more likely. 
If you have ever been inside an NFL locker room, you instantly see how far and wide the long arm of the NFL extends. You cannot throw a wad of used tape without hitting a poster specifically showing the proper way to wear the uniform. Codes of conduct and lists of acceptable medications are everywhere. In the NFL, big brother isn't just watching, he is giving you a colonoscopy. 
Any act or behavior that appears thuggish or unprofessional is immediately banned. Do-rags? Gone. Hanging gloves from the facemask? Illegal. Slouching on the sidelines? Against the law. Dunking the goal post? Huge fine. Planned touchdown celebrations? No. A display of having fun in any way? What are you, a ponytailed soccer fan?
So for the NFL to know a surveillance video in the elevator existed  - after they had seen the tape of Rice dragging his unconscious fiancé  - and not look at said elevator tape? That is not even vaguely plausible. 
Somebody, somewhere has evidence the NFL top brass saw the Ray Rice elevator knock-out clip prior to TMZ getting it, and that information is going to get leaked as sure as you can say Edward Snowden.
Like they tell you in kindergarten, no matter how bad the situation, you can always make it worse by lying.
Folks, this could become a brutal time for the NFL. Recreational drug problems, the CTE crisis, PED’s and felons, Jerry Jones along with rules that effectively put skirts on the wide receivers and tutus on the quarterbacks.
The greatest position in all of sports, running back, is becoming as obsolete as the Tour De France and white men with 'fros. Fullback is obsolete. Fantasy Football could not suck more if it had a surgically implanted straw in its lips. After the top six running backs, the quality of running backs falls in a well.
If you don’t have a twinkle-toes star quarterback, a monster tight end and a wide receiver who can outrun the wind, you’re dead. And or an insanely talented and freakishly physically gifted defender, like Seahawks corner, the preposterously ego-maniacal Richard Sherman. (Seahawks have both and I don't see anyone beating them except the Niners)

I’ve said it before, I will say it again, the West Coast Offense is as boring as it sucks. Jerry Jones-like sucks. 

Did I mention Jerry Jones sucks? 

Let’s play the fun new game sweeping the country called:

Name Your Grocery Store Clerks

Overly Helpful Lady. 
She is the older, short, sweet little lady who cannot help but go to extensive extremes to help people at the expense of everyone’s time in line.
“Oh, are you sure you don’t want to buy two more? It gives you a discount. No, I'll wait, go ahead. Let me go look for the coupon.”
And then she goes off to look for the coupon. You can’t get mad at OHL, you just can’t get in her line.
Guessing Guy. 
This is the guy who looks at your items and draws conclusions as to what you’re doing.
“Flour tortillas, lump charcoal, shrimp, cheese, cabbage, salsa, beer. Somebody is having taco night.”
Sometime I am going to get a bottle of Vodka, a package of Viagra, a jar of Vaseline, toilet paper and Preparation H and see what conclusions he comes to.
Covering His Ass Guy. 
This is the older gentleman whose only goal is to cover his ass, even if it means filling out form after form after form while the rest of us wait in line. This is the same guy who always gets the cranky older-lady-shopper who demands to get the coupon discount for the 12 ounce bottle of dishwashing soap on the 24 ounce bottle, and won’t leave until she gets it. He will re-explain the rules ten times and then finally give her the discount after filling out a lengthy form.
Eighties Dee Jay Guy. 
This guy is similar to the Overly Helpful Lady, except he is a shameless shill for the store talking in a smarmy, overly-modulated FM dejay voice like he is doing a Jim Carey impression of Jim Carey;
“Gaaaaaaahhhhhhd afternoon to you, Sirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. And how are weeeeeeeeeee doing today? Have you checked out our new Von’s credit carrrrrrrrrrd? It has amazing rates. You sure? There are amazing deals. Oh, come on. Let me get you a form. Alllll righty then. ”
Eastern European Grumpy Old Guy. 
This is the guy who tries to save the plastic bags like he is the one who is paying for them. When you ask him to double-bag the ten bottles of wine, he looks at you like you asked him to club a baby seal. On second thought, he would rather club a baby seal.
Old Bottle Breaker Lady. 
This is the grumpy older lady with the bad red dye job who seemingly has no control of the conveyor belt and keeps running it until all your items, including bottles of wine, are smashing into each other over and over again while she looks on mystified.
Attractive Younger Woman Who Thinks She Is Way Hotter Than She Is. 
She hates her job almost as much as she hates you for making her do it. She obviously thinks she should be living like Kim Kardashian instead of having to look at your sorry ass and your pathetic groceries.
(And these two are just at our local organic grocery store)
Angry Vegan Chick. 
She has the spikey bleached hair, all the tattoos and piercings and she openly despises anyone who eats anything but kale. One time she actually told me my rib-eye steaks were unhealthy. I replied;
“You can either criticize my eating habits or charge me $15 a pound for the meat, you cannot do both.”
Impossibly Cheerful Girl. 
No lie, this is not sarcasm, this woman is a living doll. She exudes good humor and happy feelings. She makes everyone she sees a little happier. When I get in her line I just crack up and say;
“Cheer up, will you. Why are you always in such a bad mood?”

She just laughs and laughs. She was the one at the cash register when the little hipster girl was supposed to pay, instead she pulls out her phone and has a lengthy, random conversation while making us all wait. ICG looked at me with raised eyebrows of disbelief and we both started cracking up.
Oh. That reminds me.
Dear 20-something, pasty-faced, trout-eyed, Kardashian-wannabe chicks who drive with their iPhones in front of their faces yammering into it instead of, oh, I don’t know, say driving:
You are evil and vile. Or as dyslexics call you, vile and evil.